tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-44570562091147403922024-03-18T06:02:39.750-07:00100 word ranthonestly. the nerve of some people.Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.comBlogger870125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-59857397918556947802024-03-18T06:02:00.000-07:002024-03-18T06:02:06.031-07:00Maybe it was Arabian<p>Do you remember that one television show? This one guy had this horse that lived in his garage and it could talk. The horse, I mean, but only to the one guy, Wilbur. At least, that was the story; it didn’t really happen. It was a fictional portrayal from the perspective of this poor sick crazy guy Wilbur who had this delusional belief that Ray Walston had flown in from Mars and left a talking horse in his back yard. Anyway, you know what I heard? That horse didn’t really speak English and had to learn all its lines phonetically.<br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-21167032181198530342024-03-11T08:32:00.000-07:002024-03-11T08:32:51.318-07:00I don't deserve this<p>Our language has a lot of words that used to mean something other than what they mean now. Words like “hysterical” or “awesome” or “terrific.” So, last night through no fault of my own for work-related reasons I was sort of required to watch the Academy Awards all the way through on an extremely large screen. The main things I learned are that the phrase “transformational journey” now means what “job” used to mean, “brilliant” is the new word for competent, and “magic” can be used in place of “profit.” In addition, the phrase “I love you” means nothing whatsoever.<br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-86186142824130490252024-03-04T06:00:00.000-08:002024-03-04T06:00:15.126-08:00Our Demands Are Not Negotiable.<p>1) Declare Election Day a national holiday. Move it to summer. Provide ice cream.<br /> </p><p>2) Eliminate the penny and use all that zinc for batteries for EVs.<br /> </p><p>3) Abolish daylight saving time, which was invented to make us feel powerless and stupid.<br /> </p><p>4) Outlaw the designated hitter rule. Two teams of nine players each: it should be in the constitution.<br /> </p><p>5) Revise the calendar to consist of 13 months of 28 days each, so that each day of the month always falls on the same day of the week, adding up to 364 days. The extra day? duh. Election Day.<br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-59592445946323292592024-02-26T06:10:00.000-08:002024-02-26T06:10:56.568-08:00I kinda like Ike.<p>Do you think of Dwight David Eisenhower as a particularly poetic person? Until now me neither but this is kind of great:<br /><br />“When I was a boy growing up in Kansas, a friend of mine and I went fishing and as we sat there on the warmth of a summer afternoon we talked about what we wanted to do when we grew up. I told him I wanted to be a major league baseball player, a genuine professional like Honus Wagner. My friend said that he'd like to be president of the United States. Neither of us got our wish.”<br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-80378798990860520672024-02-19T07:09:00.000-08:002024-02-19T07:09:28.528-08:00Born to lead<p>Here’s a thought experiment. Put a hairbrush in a shoebox. Put the lid on the shoebox. Then start asking people what they think is in the shoebox. Maybe they’ll say, “An apple.” That would be incorrect, though. Somebody else might guess shoes, which isn’t a bad guess, or a stapler, which, why not? A bar of soap? A Hummel figurine wrapped in tissue paper? A dead Guinea pig? Eventually and inevitably someone will ask, “Is it a hairbrush?” And, yes, it’s a hairbrush! Wow! This extraordinary person knew about – predicted – the hairbrush in the shoebox! They must be a genius.<br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-13754635731125955932024-02-12T06:28:00.000-08:002024-02-12T06:28:34.710-08:00Shrove is the past tense of Shrive<p>King Cake is just whatever you feel like baking smothered in sugary frosting and encrusted with granulated sugar tinted in colors which are not typically the colors of actual food. King Cake is everywhere around this time of year and you find yourself eating it constantly leading inevitably to Fat Tuesday. To me the best time to enjoy Carnival Season in New Orleans is Wednesday Gras when you can stand on the curb without the inconvenience of congested streets or the unpleasantness of being stuck in an inebriated crowd and you are less likely to be struck by flying beads.<br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-51198373091931652182024-02-05T07:10:00.000-08:002024-02-05T07:10:27.474-08:00What are the odds?<p>I have just read that the chances of being struck by lightning over one human lifetime are about 15,300 to one which makes this a thing about which you for all practical purposes need not worry at all. Don’t give it another thought. Your chance of winning the Powerball is close to 20,000 times worse than that; you’d be better off taking out lightning insurance on your friends and family. The odds of surviving a lightning strike are about 90%, so there’s every chance you could rake in a fat payout and still enjoy that favorite cousin or bowling partner.<br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-43036012759751828662024-01-29T07:27:00.000-08:002024-01-29T07:27:44.689-08:00Omaha and Lincoln, if you're wondering<p>Inspired by the example of that harbinger of tomorrow, Alabama, Nebraska State Senator Loren Lippincott has introduced legislation to make asphyxiation with nitrogen an Official Nebraska State Method of Execution. Senator Lippincott represents a place called Central City, which unless I am very much mistaken was also home to the Flash back in the 1960s. It is just a bit more than a two hour drive from Bellevue, the third biggest city in Nebraska and the second largest city in the U.S. named Bellevue. Is thinking up better ways to kill people a normal part of a Nebraska legislator’s job?<br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-13965916842036541662024-01-22T07:22:00.000-08:002024-01-22T07:22:27.009-08:00Your Partner in Progress<p>In today’s fast-paced business climate, where just-in-time materials strategies are driving new economies of scale in the logistics of outsourced supply-side input streams, key operators in the manufacturing sector are turning to turn-key solutions to address their downstream customer’s demands for flexibility and expertise with a widening array of off-the-shelf offerings that provide mission-critical support that allows them to leverage their key competencies for success in a global market. That’s why, to serve you better, Amalgamated Punch and Federated Chisel have joined forces to form Consolidated Punch and Chisel, the full-service one-stop resource for all your punch and chisel needs.<br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-75089587621604496412024-01-15T07:29:00.000-08:002024-01-15T07:29:40.149-08:00Size Matters<p>Cawker City, Kansas, is one of several places claiming the world’s biggest ball of twine. The thing is, ball of twine arguments have gotten so much media attention that they are no longer considered quirky enough to warrant the full attention of true biggest stuff aficionados. Just outside of Effingham, Illinois, (motto: “I Wonder Who’s Effingham Now”) stands America’s second biggest cross. It is 198 feet tall, which for comparison is nearly 1,358 times the height of the typical crucifix such as might be worn around the neck, which would likely escape your attention as you passed Effingham on I-57. <br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-63953098294512509762024-01-08T06:47:00.000-08:002024-01-08T06:47:47.228-08:00eeew<p>I didn’t write the following, just cut and pasted: “In slugs it is often impossible to distinguish closely related species using external features and so reliable identification requires dissection to examine the genitalia. Slugs produce two types of mucus: one is thin and watery, and the other thick and sticky. Some species of slug secrete slime cords to suspend a pair during copulation. In the banana slugs, the penis sometimes becomes trapped inside the body of the partner. Apophallation allows the slugs to separate themselves by one or both of the slugs chewing off the other's or its own penis.”<br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-17451681444337676472024-01-01T04:23:00.000-08:002024-01-01T04:23:59.702-08:00The Island of the Danged<p>We should have seen what was coming when the Captain stubbed his toe. We had at that moment disembarked and were standing on the shore surveying the island which, it seemed, was fated to be our home until such time as rescue should arrive. We were: Myself, O’Connor the industrialist and his charming daughter, Schmidt the brusque and vigorous circus strongman, and the monocled and highly decorated Prinz Kraznoffski escorting the much-celebrated chanteuse Mademoiselle Mimi. How were we to know that none of us would escape mishaps as grievous as our Captain’s, or in some cases, almost nearly as bad.</p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-59464055618419504432023-12-25T05:03:00.000-08:002023-12-25T05:03:57.450-08:00Also belts<p>A lot of young fellows have a problem with their baseball caps and as a result are walking around with the bill pointed backwards so it does not serve its purpose of shading their eyes from the sun. Then some guys you’ll see strolling around with their sweaters draped around their shoulders and the sleeves tied like Carol Channing’s feather boa. Still other dudes can be observed with their shirts worn like a sash around their waists. The purveyors of men’s clothing should be required before making any sale to confirm that the purchaser is qualified to operate the garment.<br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-65664706353619790742023-12-18T07:25:00.000-08:002023-12-18T07:25:03.132-08:00Aspirin, Cellophane, Hovercraft<p>You know how “Kleenex” and “Jell-O” and “Q-tip” and “Kool-Aid” are trademarks of specific brands that have come to be used as common terms for their respective product categories? You know how that pisses off the trademark holders – the nameless faceless corporate entities that want more than anything to differentiate their brands from alternatives that are functionally identical and differ only in packaging and advertising budget? Are you interested in tweaking the noses of the privileged in a petty and infantile manner? Sure you are. So let’s start referring to every wristwatch, starting with my $18 Casio, as a Rolex.<br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-40854040065586832772023-12-11T06:38:00.000-08:002023-12-11T06:38:37.400-08:00Beware of imitations<p>Rubber dog poop is funny but inherently less funny than real dog poop, because it’s fake and the real thing is always better. Also, you can get real dog poop for free whereas fake poop must be purchased and anyway nowadays I suspect that unscrupulous manufacturers are making their poop from pirated molds of previous iterations so that what the gullible consumer ends up purchasing is actually a replica of fake dog poop although it must be said it’s still funnier than a rubber chicken. There’s nothing funny about a rubber chicken. Nor Bob Hope. Nobody laughs at those things.<br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-32190421123228901892023-12-04T05:28:00.000-08:002023-12-04T05:28:43.015-08:00Clown Car or Dumpster Fire?<p>From last Thursday’s Washington Post: “House Speaker Mike Johnson on Wednesday expressed ‘real reservations’ about a motion to expel embattled Rep. George Santos and said that lawmakers would be free to ‘vote their conscience…’” So, okay, two things. For one, I understand his reservations. The slightest suggestion that a representative could get themselves expelled from congress simply for being a comically inept shameless lying cheating thieving sack of shit might well rock the institution to its very foundations. However, secondly, the assertion that lawmakers would be “free to vote their conscience” requires a presupposition I am not prepared to accept.<br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-9509541475220695602023-11-27T06:42:00.000-08:002023-11-27T06:42:17.174-08:00Id's only natural<p>It’s more than a cute thing to call them; toddlers really are little monsters. Only recently awake to a sense of self and totally incapable of empathy, they may peacefully sit on your lap and offer you bits of saliva-soaked apple but are just as apt to suddenly try to tear the lower lip right off your head. I like them for the same reason people like kittens- because if they weighed as much as a full-grown gorilla, they would cheerfully pull off your arms and legs and then tearfully wonder why you no longer cared to play with them.<br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-14751819573041782992023-11-20T06:38:00.000-08:002023-11-20T06:38:51.227-08:00Finger on the pulse<p>I bought a package of something called “15 Bean Soup Mix” because the serving suggestion on the package made it look like it would be delicious. I peeked inside and did a quick check and sure enough, there are many different kinds of beans in there including garbanzos, pintos, kidneys, lentils, black-eyed peas, and I don’t know what all. They say it’s 15 in all but it’s hard to get a precise count the way they’re all mixed up in there. The recipe on the package says that I should rinse and sort the beans, but that can’t be right.<br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-49249004373136696612023-11-13T07:51:00.000-08:002023-11-13T07:51:04.094-08:00A submarine with screen doors<p>You know what would be funny? Start an Iron Butterfly tribute band and show up for the gig, play that one song, then pack up and go home. Start a record company just to release a collection of isolated bass tracks from classic bluegrass songs. Invest millions in a historically accurate Bible movie except Pontius Pilate wears a Rolex. Also, if you should ever meet Elvis Costello I think would be really funny to tell him you’re his biggest fan and that “Watch The Moon Come Down” and “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” are your all-time personal favorites.<br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-28585490055326507022023-11-06T06:38:00.001-08:002023-11-06T06:38:11.797-08:00The path not taken<p>In an eventuality wherein I was offering guidance to gigantic atomically mutated saurian monsters from the depths of the sea, I would suggest alternate routes inland that did not intersect with quite so many obstacles such as oil refineries and high-tension power lines. While the attendant huge orange fireballs and showers of electrical sparks don’t seem to seriously harm such creatures, they must be at least an annoyance which can’t help but contribute to an overall sense of unease, and this cumulative irritation may lead to the fits of pique which cause them to stomp densely populated cities to rubble.<br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-42736543251572515652023-10-30T07:17:00.000-07:002023-10-30T07:17:29.021-07:00O Canada<p>It is in times such as these when events around the globe remind us of the fragility of human life, the folly of parochialism, the need for reason and patience and empathy, that we depend more than ever on the dedication of journalists who heedless of danger to themselves strive to provide clear-eyed reportage to give us context and perspective as we witness that from which, if we aspire to be decent humane creatures, we must not look away. So let’s take a moment to recognize the heroic efforts of the CBC, fearlessly questioning the indigenous ancestry of Buffy Sainte-Marie.</p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-86501288440582279722023-10-16T04:48:00.001-07:002023-10-16T04:48:41.378-07:00Science for the millions<p>Dear reader, I’m sure your eye was drawn just as mine was to the headline: “A hormone shot helped drunk mice sober up quickly.” The respected publication Cell Metabolism reported this past March that “mice that received a shot of FGF21 — a hormone made by the liver — woke up from a drunken stupor roughly twice as fast as those that didn’t.” This discovery will be a boon to any of us who have ever anticipated a social occasion, perhaps a visit from a member of the clergy, only to note with alarm that the mouse was drunk again.</p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-82448593902646248792023-10-09T08:18:00.005-07:002023-10-09T08:18:57.357-07:00Clotworthy Skeffington<p>Here’s everything I know about Clotworthy Skeffington: Clotworthy Skeffington was born in 1661 as well as around 1681. Clotworthy Skeffington was born in 1715. In 1742, Clotworthy Skeffington was born. These are facts; you won’t learn them at school. This is the sort of hard-hitting no holds barred Clotworthy Skeffington content you don’t get anywhere else. “What the heck,” you may be saying, “is he just inserting as many Clotworthy Skeffingtons in here as possible because it amuses him?” Yes. And it’s making me laugh so hard that I’m making little squeaking noises and tears are running down my face.<br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-2243537824015784102023-10-02T07:06:00.003-07:002023-10-02T07:06:18.339-07:00Not every idea makes the cut<p>Sometimes the universe displays a marvelous synchronicity and other times it does not. Like, yesterday there was big cockroach in the kitchen (Which I failed to kill and now it’s lurking somewhere in there) and my thoughts naturally turned to E. G. Marshall, who was fatally attacked by roaches in that one movie. So I did my due diligence and found that his actual name was Everett Eugene Grunz, which made me think of Judy Garland who was Frances Ethel Gumm, and of course there was Samuel Gompers who read aloud to his fellow cigar makers... so that went nowhere.<br /><br /></p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4457056209114740392.post-18643317615807577542023-09-25T07:13:00.001-07:002023-09-25T07:13:35.267-07:0099% will get this wrong!<p>Eat the foods you love! Plumbers hate this one simple trick! Here’s the secret investment strategy Wall Street doesn’t want you to know! Throw away your toothbrush and do this instead! Say goodbye forever to electric bills while you sleep! Try this just once and you’ll never go back to Woolworth’s! This special gravy washes away liver toxins! Do this and watch your wrinkles! Raise chinchillas and feed them to your emus! Tap into the exploding market for crumpled cellophane! Turn your urine into gasoline! Rent the inside of your head to eyeless amphibians! Why would I lie to you?</p>Dave Maleckarhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/11735923843138860518noreply@blogger.com0