Ask me how I know this.

When a person gets older they may get greedy with their time. When a person gets older they may get more difficult to buy gifts for because if they don’t have something it’s probably because they already got rid of it. When a person gets older they may find themself having discussions with other seniors wherein various physical and metabolic challenges are listed and compared in a process I’m told is called the “organ recital.” When a person gets older they may need to get up from bed a few times during the night. Hence the term “wee small hours.”

Yes. Worse than this.

I’ve been posting these things since 2007 and a casual reader might be forgiven for thinking, “This guy just types until he hits exactly 100 words and then posts whatever crap results from the exercise.” But that is not so. For instance, today I wrote 100 words and when I read them I realized they were abysmal. Below my standards. Not worthy of my readers’ attention. I just didn’t want to post it. Instead, I’ve saved it to my documents folder where it will reside until some future time when I find myself completely bereft of interesting ideas. Unlike today.

Or what's a heaven for?

When I was very small, I thought that the hooded coat we called a parka had something to do with Fess Parker, who played Davy Crockett the King of the Wild Frontier on television. Davy Crockett was born in the Lost State of Franklin which existed from 1784 to 1788. There are other lost states, including Absaroka, Nickajack, and Forgottonia. Not to mention the lost B vitamins B4, B8, B10, and B11. If only there was some clever way to tie this all together. You stay here and try to figure it out. I’ll wait for you in the lobby.

Lèse-majesté

Rama X, king of Thailand, is the richest monarch in the world and may be worth over 50 billion dollars. He’s a pilot, checked out on the Northrop F-5, General Dynamics F-16, and the Boeing 737-400. His poodle, Air Chief Marshal Fufu, was an officer in the Royal Thai Air Force. His full name, and I’m ashamed to say that this is the sort of thing that amuses me, is Vajiralongkorn Boromchakrayadisorn Santatiwong Thewetthamrongsuboribal Abhikkunupakornmahitaladulyadej Bhumibolnaretwarangkun Kittisirisombunsawangwat Boromkhattiyarajakumarn. One more thing. Under Thai law, I could be sentenced to up to 15 years for making fun of the king’s name.

Five?

A person who has never steered me wrong just directed me to a recipe from a book from 1909, the Up-to-Date Sandwich Book. The Popcorn Sandwich is basically popcorn on buttered toast with the addition of “five boned sardines, a dash of Worcestershire, and enough tomato catsup to form a paste.” That combination sounds like something you'd only ever taste on its way up. Just because they needed recipes for the book doesn’t mean anybody ever actually prepared such a sandwich, much less tried to eat it. However, “1909 Popcorn Sandwich” would be a great name for a bubblegum band.

seafood?

The thing about artificial flavorings is that they can have a taste that is not even vaguely reminiscent of the food for which they are named. It’s usually not a big deal because there’s no situation in which you would (for instance) wash down a mouthful of cherries with a swig of cherry Kool-Aid, and because we’ve gotten accustomed to identifying isoamyl acetate (for instance) as “banana flavor.” However.  I’m sitting here reading a package of Blue Gummi Sharks. It says they are artificially flavored. And what I’m wondering is, what would be the natural flavor of Blue Gummi Sharks?

1,000 year rant

Okay this will get posted on Monday morning but I’m planning on traveling so I’m writing it in advance which is tough because maybe things will have changed in unexpected ways in the intervening interval however although I’m actually composing this last week from your perspective by projecting what I’m currently seeing forward and from all the prevailing evidence I can predict that by the time you read this I’m pretty sure he will have decided that his fanatically loyal masked secret police would be cooler if they all wore matching shirts and my only question is black or brown?