get with the program

In 1804 a French guy named Joseph Marie Jacquard patented a machine that when attached to a loom allowed the automated weaving of complex patterns by storing the commands for changing colors of thread on a stack of cards with holes punched in them. That’s the same concept that was used later on to make the rolls for player pianos, and even later the IBM cards that provided early computer data storage. Every once in a great while a new technology comes along that profoundly changes our culture in the same way that holograms, quadraphonic sound, and VR goggles haven’t.

Or Golf Digest

Why would they give you a 10 o’clock appointment and then send you an email advising that you should plan on arriving 15 minutes early? Doesn’t that effectively change it to 9:45 appointment? Possibly they’re simply phrasing it wrong, and what they mean to say is, “Your appointment is at 9:45. Please be punctual and plan on sitting in a plastic chair for at least a quarter hour leafing through back issues of US and last year’s Harry & David catalog.” And this: If you want an accurate blood pressure reading, don’t put Fox News on the waiting room television.

writing a weekly rant

When you hear the term “cowboy poet,” do you get a sort of tingly feeling at the nape of your neck? That’s embarrassment. You are stepping up and feeling shame for people who tragically lack the ability to feel it for themselves. Good on you. But are these poor souls really any worse than the woman strumming the cittern at the Renaissance Faire or an adult collector of Star Wars action figures? Actually, now that I think about it, I’ve got no problem with any of these people. They are simply being what I myself strive to be. Harmless nincompoops.

Just spitballing here

What a great slasher movie you could make around the concept of Christmas falling on Friday the 13th. I know, right? So. Do you work with the Santa/Satan thing or lean more into Santa CLAWS? The classic “kids on a camping trip” setup won’t work where Christmas is too snowy for camping, so we’ll have to set this in Australia. That means we get to add an army of Zombie Koalas and a hero who calls people “mate.” Oh. Man. I can’t wait for somebody to rip me off and make this movie so I can rent it on VHS.

Dangerous Corner

Chesterton’s Fence, named for G. K. Chesterton, the author of The Man Who Was Thursday, which is a book I highly recommend, and who was a friend of Shaw and H. G. Wells, is the principle that you don’t take down a fence until you know what it was put up for. We all want the pearl without the grit so we try to dispense with that which we perceive as unnecessary without noting that the Marx Brothers were funnier with Zeppo along and the Rolling Stones were never as good without Bill Wyman. We’re playing Jenga with reality here.

my hovercraft is full of eels

That Monty Python sketch where the Hungarian traveler has been given an English phrasebook that has wildly inappropriate translations of things a tourist might want to say. It gets him in terrible trouble and he’s finally dragged away by the authorities, protesting loudly: “My nipples explode with delight!” So I was thinking maybe he doesn’t know what he’s saying. Maybe what comes out of his mouth is not what he wants you to hear. Maybe, I thought, he’s not really a jerk, just misunderstood. But then I thought to myself, I’d probably be a jerk too if nobody liked me.

Save The Date

An asteroid with the catchy name 2024 YR has something like a four percent chance of hitting the Moon on December 22, 2032, at about 3:19 in the afternoon UTC. That’s odds of 1 in 25. For the Powerball jackpot, odds are 1 in 292,200,000. So the smart money’s on the space rock. I’m adding 2024 YR to my list of stuff to not worry about, along with GMOs in my pancakes and microplastics. Especially microplastics. Anybody who’s ever been hit in the face with a Frisbee will tell you that macroplastics are what you have to watch out for.