Palermo Pachyderms

While Sicilian Dwarf Elephants would be a great name for a soccer club, it was an extant species until about 200,000 years ago when they were eaten all up by Cave Hyenas. A full-grown Sicilian Dwarf Elephant would come just about up to your waist and weigh around 300 kilograms, too heavy for a house pet but perhaps manageable outdoors if you have a big yard. But a single Sicilian Dwarf Elephant would probably get lonely so you’d want to host a family. Don’t forget plenty of fresh drinking water and a sturdy fence to keep the Cave Hyenas out.

Are velcro shoes next?

Why is it that when a man reaches a certain age he finds himself walking girl dogs? I don’t mean dogs which are girls. I mean the type of dog which when you look at it you think probably it belongs to a girl. Yet here you are holding a tiny little leash taking tiny little steps around the block. It’s not just me. Check out the sidewalks in your neighborhood or go to the dog park. Young guys with Pitties and Shepherds. Geezers with Schnauzers or Dachshunds. Or French Bulldogs. Cripes. I never dreamt it would be French Bulldogs.

The Prune Song

You’ve probably heard a lot of loose talk these days about disinterring the remains of Frank Crumit and extracting his DNA to produce a clone in order to record new versions of songs he originally committed to wax in the days of acoustic recording and so enhance the audio quality of those renditions. I want to join the growing groundswell of opposition by stating clearly my belief that this is a terrible, terrible idea. The limited sonic spectrum and dynamic range as well as the surface noise and scratches and pops are part of the charm of these vintage recordings.

Vinny Testaverde

Did you know that a mere 100 years ago Booth Tarkington was considered this country’s greatest writer? Nowadays his name is hardly ever spoken which is a shame not necessarily for the quality of his work which I admit I have never read one word of but because speaking his name is a physically pleasant activity. Try it yourself. Booth Tarkington. And once again: Booth Tarkington. It is possible that he achieved renown simply because people enjoyed speaking his name; “I’ve just been reading Booth Tarkington.” No relation to football great Fran Tarkenton, whose name is also fun to say.

Measure for Measure

There’s a reason why the metric system system remains so universally unpopular and that is its damnable inconsistency. Look here: their inch, which they call the centimeter, is less than half the length of the conventional unit while their yard is three inches longer than normal. Confused yet? I propose to simplify the metric system in order to make it easier to understand and use. After my revisions, each metric measure will be exactly one half of the unit it imitates. Thus, the kilometer will equal exactly 0.5 miles and official standard human body temperature will be 49.3 degrees Celsius.

Slang slung

While the phrase “balls to the wall” may sound testicular, it’s actually totally aeronautical. See, the throttle levers on some airplanes had these spheres on top and you pushed them forward to go faster. The fastest you could go was when they were all the way to the front, against the dashboard. So saying “balls to the wall” is simply saying “full throttle” or “pedal to the metal,” with a whiff of aviation fuel and testosterone. The point being, make sure you fully understand vernacular phrases before incorporating them into your colloquies lest you find yourself pulling some queer boners.

diddle diddle dumpling

It’s a debate as old as humankind. It has destroyed friendships and families and led to the collapse of empires, to the extinction of civilizations. Sock shoe sock shoe or sock sock shoe shoe? I wasn’t sure which side I was on because I never paid attention, so I checked. This morning I put on my left sock and then pulled on and laced my right shoe. But I realized my error immediately and so pulled off the sock. Then I went to the kitchen for more coffee and sat down here to type up my results: I walk funny.