Monday, October 16, 2017


Did you ever have a sort of accident or disaster or other adrenaline bomb go off in your life and you’re lucky enough to walk away and you think you’re okay but maybe minutes later you notice your sock is full of blood or the next morning you’re so stiff you can’t move or months later you have bad dreams that wake you up? I think that’s what America’s legacy of slavery keeps doing to us. Now we are being told, as I understand it, that it’s only acceptable for black men to kneel when white men tell them to.

Monday, October 9, 2017


I marvel that after millennia of human development nobody has ever invented anything to effectively replace the shoelace. I wonder if some Asian people are smug about their fork skills. I usually accept that I should live in the moment, but that can change from moment to moment. I worry that if we repeal any constitutional amendments it will renumber the rest, thereby rendering a lot of legal precedent dangerously opaque. I hope there’s an afterlife, but only for bad people. I think a really good cantaloupe tastes like a baby might if your wife would let you eat them.

Monday, October 2, 2017

no joke

Oh for fuck’s sake. Look, here’s a great idea: If you’re considering shooting into a crowd of strangers and then shooting yourself, just reverse the order. Simple. About two thirds of U.S. gun deaths (about 60 out of the daily 90) are suicides, so you’ll be in good company. That’s all I got. I’ll go back to wringing my hands now, be funny next week. Oh yeah. One more thing; this can’t be just me. When I hear about terrible crimes and they don’t know who did it yet, I say to myself, “Please let it be a white guy.”

Monday, September 25, 2017

I'm talking to you, gillman.

You know how fatigue makes you feel heavy? This is not a subjective phenomenon. The proof: a child weighs more when tired, and continues to gain mass the sleepier they get. Physicists seeking elusive dark matter should check inside a napping toddler. Carrying people around is hard, so if I was a monster, I would try to suppress my natural inclination to pick up a young woman in a nighty or swimsuit and lug her around. It just slows you down, and you’ll really need both of your hands free to fight off hordes of peasants with torches and pitchforks.

Monday, September 18, 2017

Your mileage may vary

As I’ve previously observed, Britain can’t actually leave Europe. That’s because it’s stuck on the same continental plate. But if they really want independence from the continent, they could revert from the metric system to the imperial, joining the exclusive club that includes Myanmar, Liberia, and the U.S.A.  Although metric has some big advantages: Instead of inches they use centimeters, only about one fifth as long. And kilometers are only 62 percent of a mile. So your car is faster, your penis is bigger, and marathons are easier to run. But at the lumberyard, the 2x4s are really flimsy.

Monday, September 11, 2017

This is just sad

Could it be that 100 words is too many? Once a week too often? How lazy, exactly, can one person get? Pretty lazy, it turns out. Lazy enough to transcribe a couple of post-its from the periphery of the monitor:

Did you hear about the career diplomat who was called back to Washington after decades in South Asia? He was disoriented. Worse, a head trauma caused him to lose all memory of his time there. Indonesia

I have a special form of synesthesia which whenever I hear anybody talk about it I perceive them as a pain in the butt.

Monday, August 28, 2017

Better Late Than Ever

As your source for the late breaking up to the minute news you need to start your day, I feel bad about waiting so long to bring you this: "Iron-60 is an iron isotope with a half-life of 2.6 million years, but was thought until 2009 to have a half-life of 1.5 million years.” Holy crap! Then this: “Remnants of Iron-60 found in fossilized bacteria in sea floor sediments suggest there was a supernova in the vicinity of the solar system approximately 2 million years ago." For some reason the use of the word “vicinity” in this sentence is hilarious.