Monday, August 3, 2015

Self evident

I’m about egalitarian as a guy can be. I don’t hold myself above other people, nor do I judge them. Among the people above whom I in particular do not hold myself, nor judge, are the following: People walking and texting directly in front of me. People out in public in pajamas and shower clogs. People with comb-overs. People with neck tattoos. People who put a “support our troops” sticker on their bumper and believe this simple act of adhesion serves to support anybody at all. When you get right down to it, I guess I’m just a people person.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Brain, too. Wear it out.

There's collectors who buy stuff and then never use it. Like they'll get some Star Wars action figures (they are not dolls don't call them dolls boys don't play with dolls) and never unwrap them so they can keep them perfect forever. Or those beautiful doll houses that no child will ever touch, the tiny wooden rocking chairs crying out to be splintered, swept up, and discarded. And your own personal working parts, like for instance liver? Use them up while you still can, otherwise people like Jack Bruce and David Crosby will get all the enjoyment out of them.

Monday, July 20, 2015


People who are sure they know the way things ought to be just make life tougher for those of us stuck with the way things are, which tends to take up most of our time and energy. And since the way things are right this moment is the direct result of absolutely everything that's already happened ever, any improvement scheme would need, to be effective, to be retroactive. If I fall in the river and begin to drown, I don't need the folks on the bank bickering about whether the government or the private sector should have provided swimming lessons.

Monday, July 13, 2015

Tiny armored flying vampires

I think I speak for my entire species when I say that I do not like being bitten by mosquitoes. I prefer not to be infected with malaria, chikungunya, or lymphatic filariasis. I don't even much enjoy little itchy bumps on the tender flesh of my ankles or, most infuriating, the elbows. On the other hand, I am a big fan of green tree frogs and anoles, who in turn are big fans of mosquitoes as menu items. Fair enough, I guess. Plus, when you spray for mosquitoes you also kill the fireflies. That's a metaphor for something, I think.

Monday, July 6, 2015

Politics and geography is my worst subject.

I was in the car all day and it was hard to hear the radio because there was a lot of road noise, but I think I heard someone say that Greece might leave Europe. This would be shame, because Greece is our number one source for literary quotes that you can skip right over as opposed to French or Latin which you have to kind of guess at. Also, much of America’s best authentic Italian pizza is provided by people of Greek descent. Anyway, the only continent with any room left is Antarctica, which is too cold for olives.

Monday, June 29, 2015

Doritos also

Remember being young and at a party and probably there’s beer and certainly there’s a pair of ar-5s blasting out some Marshall Tucker or Mason Proffit or some other band with a name that sounds like it might have been Vice President under James K. Polk and possibly there is a bong and a baggy filled with Indiana ditch weed and the later it gets the less you want to leave not because you’re having so much fun which actually you’re not but you are absolutely sure that as soon as you go something wonderful will happen? Life’s like that.

Monday, June 22, 2015

The 50-foot woman could see radio.

We have a treasured heritage here of focusing on certain topics, and among these the subject of Extremely Large Pencils is writ large. Because who doesn't like really big or really tiny stuff? Dollhouses and model railroads, or King Kong and the legendary Giant Booming Prairie Chicken of Rothsay, Minnesota? So the new Ant Man movie should be cool. But here's a quibble: if you size-shifted your retina, you'd change the wavelengths of sensitivity, so as you got tinier purple things would look red and x-rays would look purple. Bad news if you're looking to Stan Lee for rigorous science.