Monday, May 20, 2019

They go to great lengths

Okay, I call bullshit. Casey, Illinois, claims to have the world’s longest yardstick. It’s big alright, 36 feet long. But, to me, by definition, that’s no yardstick. Friends, “yardstick” is not one of those words where you have to look it up and learn its etymology to determine its meaning. In order to make any object qualify as a yardstick, you must first ensure that one of its dimensions is a yard. That’s just obvious. Then you can go ahead and make the world’s thickest yardstick, or the world’s widest yardstick. But there is exactly one possible length for yardsticks.

Monday, May 13, 2019

somebody stop me

They met while looking at places to build a house; it was love at first site. They took a six pack to the park in order to drink in the beauty of nature. They had a very emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers. He suggested they honeymoon on a tricycle, but she was two tired. They lunched on hot dogs. The buns were okay but the franks were the wurst. But she remained totally loyal, saying she would fix her hair, brave an ice storm, or sit through a Longfellow recitation, sticking with him comb, hail, or Hiawatha.

Monday, May 6, 2019

Diplomacy 101

So, it’s like this. It’s like if you got in a fight and the other kid popped you in the mush before you socked him one smack in the labonza and now you have him in a wicked headlock and already you can feel your upper lip getting puffy and you’re going to look like a turtle for a couple days and you’re thinking you’d like to be done fighting right about now but he’s royally pissed and if you let him go he will proceed to pound the living snot out of you. That’s your global politics, right there.

Monday, April 29, 2019

sorry not sorry

If you are prone to sensations of vertigo, incidents of syncope, or episodes of sudden-onset aesthetic dyspepsia, please read no further. If have never found the cinematic oeuvre of the Horwitz brothers and their collaborator Mr. Feinberg be of any cultural value whatsoever please in the name of all that is decent turn away at once. Because, seriously, this one’s a stinker: “To raise funds for the restoration of its iconic cathedral, the Parisian diocese is issuing a pinup calendar featuring a group of twelve unusually buff and appealing young priests collectively known as the Hunk Batch of Notre Dame.”

Monday, April 22, 2019

laziest rant ever

The editorial we are feeling lethargic, so we are using quotes from the Internet to assemble 100 words about the Internet. To post on the Internet. So sue us. John Allen Paulos is the guy who said, “The Internet is the world's largest library. It's just that all the books are on the floor.” Dorothy Gambrell said, “If television's a babysitter, the Internet is a drunk librarian who won't shut up.” Also this, from the Wikipedia article about cuspidors: “Makeshift spittoons, such as large mixing bowls, can be used by people with a cold who are frequently coughing up phlegm.”

Monday, April 15, 2019

the greatest generation

They used to think that getting cold gave you a cold. They believed that sending Native children to schools where they were made to speak English was a good thing to do. They believed tomatoes were poison, arsenic made you beautiful, yeast cured acne. They defined homosexuality as a crime, then a disease. They thought that atoms were indivisible and Styx was a good band. People were stupid then and didn’t know any better. They were always so sure. But you and I are lucky enough to live when we do, when it’s possible to finally be right about everything.

Monday, April 8, 2019

Why drown worms when the fish ain’t biting?

American English has many colloquial idioms which cannot be taken literally, phrases which may on first hearing seem bizarre or inane. Some common examples: “That coffee’s too hot to drink,” means, “Your idea is too bold to achieve general acceptance.” “New laces on the same old cleats,” refers to an attempt to reinvigorate anything tired or worn-out with only superficial changes. Finally, here is an exchange in which two speakers opine on an absent third party’s lack of intellectual acuity: “That fella is about one demigod short of a pantheon.” “Yup. That Greyhound don’t go all the way to Topeka.”