Monday, June 29, 2020

There. Now you know.

Okay, okay. I think I got this. Folks noticed that some really big items acted differently than their science math said they would, specifically that galaxies behaved like they were much more massive than they really were, and they theorized that there was some invisible extra stuff that only showed up as mass, which isn’t weight but might as well be. It was like the butcher’s thumb on the scale. They called that undetectable cosmic thumb Dark Matter. Then some other people said, no, it’s just that gravity acts different when things are extra heavy. Or, you know, massive. Whatever.

Monday, June 22, 2020

Essential reading

Apparently, this country can run pretty much okay when a major proportion of the bourgeoisie stop showing up. They can sit at home and order takeout and just leave the proletariat to handle everything. I wonder what happens next? On an unrelated subject, I need to mention that Friedrich Engels had the most epic beard ever. Seriously, every other Communist beard is a timid dusting of pubescent peach fuzz compared to his awesome whiskers. I tried pointing this out to some associates, but try having a serious political discussion with people who think “Trotsky” is a cute reference to diarrhea.

Monday, June 15, 2020

Swift Thinking

Look, I’ve done the math. About 13 percent of us are African American, about 60 percent are white. So, to be fair, how about if every time we kill one Black person we also kill between four and five white people – the actual goal would be to achieve a ratio of about 4.6/1. In the squad room, it would be like, “Okay, people. Let’s stay safe out there, and let’s all try to hit those quotas.” I can hear the complaints already: “This used to be a great job, but I’m thinking of quitting because who needs all the paperwork?”

Monday, June 8, 2020

World's Worst Jew Quotes Talmud!

I’m hoping this isn’t like pet rocks and hot yoga. Not like Cabbage Patch Kids or Beanie Babies or the big Quinoa Scare of ’07. That this is the real deal and not a Geldof Moment. See, adrenaline is one hell of a drug, shouting is fun, outrage is contagious. Don’t let’s let this end up under the bed like a dusty Christmas guitar. “Do not be daunted by the enormity of the world’s grief. Do justly, now. Love mercy, now. Walk humbly, now. You are not expected to complete the work, but neither are you permitted to abandon it.”

Monday, June 1, 2020

I'm itching to write this.

As one symptom of testosterone poisoning, many male humans grow hairs out of the bottom half of the front of their heads. A lot of us periodically remove this growth with tiny knives. And although most people would say we are beardless, we are technically sporting an extremely short beard. Not little boys, though. They are exempt. Many young men wear their beards longer to look more grownup. Bald men wear beards to at least have hair somewhere. And I think maybe old men let their beards grow because they just can’t stand to look in the mirror any more.

Monday, May 25, 2020

Numbers don't lie, but I'm not a number.

It’s Decoration Day. We should all be out tending the graves of the fallen, or at least eating grilled wienies and potato salad in the park. We should be pitching horseshoes in our shirtsleeves and yelling at the kids to stay away from the water for an hour after eating. We should at least be grateful for advances in civilization. For instance, every participant in the Great War died, and most all from WWII. Many survive from the Korean Conflict, and even higher percentage from Vietnam. So it can be shown statistically that each war is safer than the last.

Monday, May 18, 2020

Speaking Parenthetically

I’m out walking the dogs again. (I wouldn’t want my readers to think I spend all my time walking [because I also spend time feeding {and picking burrs from dogs} dogs] dogs.) I have a full life. I’m standing in the street, one pocket containing plastic bags for poop, another with nutritious peanuts for my friends the crows. I am under a tree, torn as to which way to proceed – the dogs are tugging in opposite directions. A little fat gray bird above me is emitting one chirp every two seconds. And I think, “That thing needs a fresh battery.”