I'm talking to you, gillman.

You know how fatigue makes you feel heavy? This is not a subjective phenomenon. The proof: a child weighs more when tired, and continues to gain mass the sleepier they get. Physicists seeking elusive dark matter should check inside a napping toddler. Carrying people around is hard, so if I was a monster, I would try to suppress my natural inclination to pick up a young woman in a nighty or swimsuit and lug her around. It just slows you down, and you’ll really need both of your hands free to fight off hordes of peasants with torches and pitchforks.

Your mileage may vary

As I’ve previously observed, Britain can’t actually leave Europe. That’s because it’s stuck on the same continental plate. But if they really want independence from the continent, they could revert from the metric system to the imperial, joining the exclusive club that includes Myanmar, Liberia, and the U.S.A.  Although metric has some big advantages: Instead of inches they use centimeters, only about one fifth as long. And kilometers are only 62 percent of a mile. So your car is faster, your penis is bigger, and marathons are easier to run. But at the lumberyard, the 2x4s are really flimsy.

This is just sad

Could it be that 100 words is too many? Once a week too often? How lazy, exactly, can one person get? Pretty lazy, it turns out. Lazy enough to transcribe a couple of post-its from the periphery of the monitor:

Did you hear about the career diplomat who was called back to Washington after decades in South Asia? He was disoriented. Worse, a head trauma caused him to lose all memory of his time there. Indonesia

I have a special form of synesthesia which whenever I hear anybody talk about it I perceive them as a pain in the butt.