Screw it. Here's the OED's 100 most common English words.

the be to of and a in that have I it for not on with he as you do at this but his by from they we say her she or an will my one all would there their what so up out if about who get which go me when make can like time no just him know take person into year your good some could them see other than then now look only come its over think also back after use two how our work first well way even new want because any these give day most us

Some of my best friends

People who claim to be colorblind say there’s no difference between Black and white people but I call bullshit. I can name three differences right off the bat. First, the darker your skin the better you look when you go bald – less like a peeled egg. Number two: the potato salad. My experience has been that Black people potato salad is smaller bits, almost mashed, while white people potato salad is more chunky. I like it either way. And then third is how much less likely it is for a white person to get shot dead for a burned-out taillight.

What my brain does when I'm not using it

First it’s art, then it’s craft, then it’s shtick.

Humming into a pocket comb is one of those things that sounds good on paper.

At its extreme, a lack of integrity can be so absolutely guileless that it’s actually a form of authenticity.

Pete Best, Stu Sutcliffe, Brian Epstein, Murray the K, Billy Preston. By my count, Yoko is the 10th Beatle.

Pretty disappointed to learn that a squirrel gun is not at all what I had imagined.

I have all the symptoms of hypochondria.

Holy crap! I just realized that it’s called a halter because it stops the horse.

Know Free Lunch

So you’re walking through the park and some people are having a cookout. The tables are loaded up and everything looks and smells incredible. Somebody sees you standing there and they say, “What are you waiting for? Make yourself a plate.” So you do; there’s so much to choose from and it’s all delicious. And next time you walk past this big cookout, you make yourself another big plate. It gets to be a regular thing – it’s actually your favorite place to eat. So, the question is, when are you going to bring a dish?

That, friends, is an analogy.