Vinny Testaverde

Did you know that a mere 100 years ago Booth Tarkington was considered this country’s greatest writer? Nowadays his name is hardly ever spoken which is a shame not necessarily for the quality of his work which I admit I have never read one word of but because speaking his name is a physically pleasant activity. Try it yourself. Booth Tarkington. And once again: Booth Tarkington. It is possible that he achieved renown simply because people enjoyed speaking his name; “I’ve just been reading Booth Tarkington.” No relation to football great Fran Tarkenton, whose name is also fun to say.

Measure for Measure

There’s a reason why the metric system system remains so universally unpopular and that is its damnable inconsistency. Look here: their inch, which they call the centimeter, is less than half the length of the conventional unit while their yard is three inches longer than normal. Confused yet? I propose to simplify the metric system in order to make it easier to understand and use. After my revisions, each metric measure will be exactly one half of the unit it imitates. Thus, the kilometer will equal exactly 0.5 miles and official standard human body temperature will be 49.3 degrees Celsius.

Slang slung

While the phrase “balls to the wall” may sound testicular, it’s actually totally aeronautical. See, the throttle levers on some airplanes had these spheres on top and you pushed them forward to go faster. The fastest you could go was when they were all the way to the front, against the dashboard. So saying “balls to the wall” is simply saying “full throttle” or “pedal to the metal,” with a whiff of aviation fuel and testosterone. The point being, make sure you fully understand vernacular phrases before incorporating them into your colloquies lest you find yourself pulling some queer boners.

diddle diddle dumpling

It’s a debate as old as humankind. It has destroyed friendships and families and led to the collapse of empires, to the extinction of civilizations. Sock shoe sock shoe or sock sock shoe shoe? I wasn’t sure which side I was on because I never paid attention, so I checked. This morning I put on my left sock and then pulled on and laced my right shoe. But I realized my error immediately and so pulled off the sock. Then I went to the kitchen for more coffee and sat down here to type up my results: I walk funny.