Don't Cry for Me Adenocarcinoma

If you're reduced to reading this, you've probably already perused every scrap of information available to the public, including gum wrappers and the messages in the grout between tiles. So you already know what I'm about to tell you. But just in case you haven't heard: Andrew Lloyd Webber has been diagnosed with cancer. Probably not deadly, so this is one of those cases of too little, too late. He really needs to contract something more retroactive. I'm told he first noticed his prostate trouble when he kept having to get up in the middle of the night to compose.

I'm still waiting for the new Amiga...

Windows 7 is here. They say they've learned from what was wrong with Vista; they mean to say they learned a whole lot. Microsoft is like General Motors; they keep rolling out new models with different tailfins and headlight configurations in hopes that nobody will notice that the engine driving the whole contraption hasn't improved in decades. We all know how that worked for Pontiac and Oldsmobile: They're building Microsoft excitement! It's not your father's Windows! Then there's Linux. Even Chevy never had to worry about a bunch of engineers building a better car and giving it away for free.

Bankers and postmen are whooping it up.

Today we observe Columbus Day, although he actually discovered the new world (Three of the four preceding words are nonsense. The “the” is alright.) on October 21st, 1492 by the Gregorian calendar. Actually, by the Julian calendar in use in 1492, the date was October 12th, so we're back to this being Columbus Day. In my family, we don't do a lot for Columbus Day. Of all the holidays, I think only Arbor Day gets less hoopla. I suggest that Columbus Day is a great day to sit around in your pajamas listening to Duke Ellington. But what day isn't?

Explanations come to an end

Immanuel Kant could have used some hobbies. He should have built model railroads or hung out all day at comic book shops. Instead he filled volume after volume with maddening conceptual tail-chasing. That's what happens when smart people devote their energies to answering stupid questions. The meaning of life? It's in the dictionary. You want the meaning not of the word but of what the word represents? Stupid question – you know what “bicycle” means but you'd never ask for the meaning of your actual Schwinn. Take a ride in the park. You're not going to live forever, you know.

Muggles

California State Assemblyman Tom Ammiano is calling for the legalization of marijuana in his state. He's getting opposition from something called the National Narcotic Officers' Associations' Coalition, whose president points out that if reefer is legal “the people who drive the state's highways ... are going to be in danger from being hit by someone intoxicated from using cannabis.” Yup. At four miles per hour. I personally feel that NORML, the ACLU, and the NRA should merge into a single entity, taking the position that they're gonna get baked, say whatever they want to, and shoot anybody who says they can't.

Children of the Corn

So you get these exposés about our food supply, and here's the reaction: Squeamish parlor pinks seek out more expensive sources for their fodder to ensure that their sense of virtue is as untroubled as their digestion. And almost every other American reacts by doing nothing at all. What's to do? Our shoes are made by children in Asia, our clothes are sewn by paupers in Mexico. We've squandered America's bright promise, betrayed one another beyond any hope of reconciliation, and turned humanity's last best hope into a coast-to-coast parking lot. And now we're supposed to feel sorry for cows?

1914 also produced Ernest Tubb, Joe Louis, and Dorothy Lamour.

Nobel Peace Prize winner Norman Borlaug died last Saturday at 95. Borlaug should probably have been more famous, but agronomy isn't one of the really sexy fields of human endeavor. He got the Nobel for being one of the architects of the green revolution, innovations in agriculture that saved hundreds of millions of people from starvation. Thanks to him, today there can be more people facing famine than ever before in history. Talk about your moral ambiguity. Anyway, let's all take a few moments to remember Norman Borlaug, and try to say his name three times real fast without laughing.