Concept 4b: Recursive Rant in re: Ranting.

When you've written hundreds of microscopic Monday morning essays, as I have, one of your big dangers is repeating yourself. The other pitfall is writing really stupid stuff. It's like, do you want good ideas or new ideas? You don't get both. Some weeks neither. This applies to my meat avatar as well. I've noticed I only have a limited number of droll anecdotes and wry observations. Then I have to change friends. Old friends say, “How come you never call?” and I'm just; “You've heard all my good stuff.” Every couple of decades, I even change cities.

Normal Bean

There's a movie out right now called John Carter, and the critics aren't being kind. The reviewer at the Daily Telegraph called it “armrest-clawingly hammy and painfully dated." Which, I'm like, shut up. This is a movie adaptation of Princess of Mars, written 100 years ago by the same guy who wrote Tarzan, Carson of Venus, and Tanar of Pellucidar. I've read a bunch of them, and they're all pretty much the same, which is to say, hammy and dated. Plus, he's notoriously hard to translate to the screen; that film version of Naked Lunch wasn't much good either.

Universal Cowboys

As the developmentally challenged little brother of jazz, rock and roll has always followed its older sibling around trying to emulate its style and posture, if not its substance. That's why there's noise, the rock analog of free jazz. I don't hate the stuff, but I think it's like sex – most fun for the performers. But what about other genres? Why is there no Free Polka? Or Free Country? Of course, if you put a bunch of pickers in a room and told them to play whatever they felt, they'd probably settle on “Your Cheatin' Heart” in C.

Our goal: keeping you informed.

It's hard not to obsess about Horace, Kansas. See, first I was thinking about Horace Greeley and his terrible, terrible neckbeard, which I've already brought to your attention. If you haven't checked out a picture yet, I suggest you do so right now, then come back and read the final 44 words of this week's rant. Ok, then. In spite of that, he has a county in Kansas named after him (Greeley) which contains an incredibly small city named Horace (pop. 70) which recently declined to consolidate with literally every other place in the county. Bet there's a story there.