Also Annette Funicello

Several years ago I wrote the best 100 words I ever hope to write, about the enormous galvanized watering can of Utica, New York. Since then I have given that city very little thought. So let's revisit the Jewel of the Mohawk. Utica is named for, and essentially replaces, a city of the same name in Tunisia which no longer exists. In addition to the World's Largest Watering Can, Utica is also the birthplace of the Union Suit, the red butt-flap long johns worn to such great comic effect by bearded sidekicks in many Cowboy movies. Hats off to Utica!

Next week: The decimal hour.

Days, months, and years reflect immutable natural periodicities over which humans have no control. Weeks, on the other hand, are cultural artifacts and subject to change. So here's my idea: Eliminate Wednesdays. The resulting 6 day week would have many advantages. Obviously, you'd get a 4-day workweek, plus reduced unemployment to make up for those lost hours, plus every month could have exactly 5 weeks for a uniform 30 days. That's 360 days. Then the day after Mardi Gras, 5 Ash Wednesdays in a row The extra day every 4 years could be named Dave. Because I thought of it.

What God would do, if He had the budget

Because I like to think I write for the Ages (6 to 10), I usually avoid topical references in these little essays. But Holy Crap, did you see the Olympics opening show? If you missed it, I'll just mention that at one point, approximately 20,000 Young Pioneers danced the entire plot of War and Peace en pointe simply as an entre'acte between a couple of really big setpieces. You can only get that kind of precision from a mass of performers when they all know that a missed cue means your whole family will end up in a labor camp.

Eben Tonight.

I'd like to believe in an afterlife. I'd like to, but I can't. It's like, where does a story go when they've burnt the book? Right. Memory. But it's a comfort to imagine our departed loved ones looking down at us at Costco and wondering what we think we're going to do with six LED flashlights. Nice to visualize Bukowski peeing over the railing. And I'd like to think that somewhere up there Pete Seeger, Yusef Lateef, and Phil Everly have quickly figured out they don't know any of the same songs and have decided to see what's on TV.

They required of us mirth.

Zion, Illinois, was founded in 1901 by a faith healer named Dowie as a place for his followers to live. He ran the only church in town. After he died, a guy named Voliva took over as General Overseer. These guys taught that the Earth is flat, which if you think about it, it might as well be. Anyway, there's a bakery in Zion that makes delicious fig sandwich cookies, indistinguishable from the more well-known Newtons. And I thought maybe Newtons were so named to highlight how physics could prove the Earth was round. But that wasn't it at all.

With glowing hearts we see thee rise.

There are only 478 people in Glendon, Alberta. Yet this tiny village is home to the world's largest pierogi, which for some reason they spell perogy. It was the brainchild of the local mayor/school bus driver. It's 27 feet tall, and next to the only restaurant in town, which serves pierogies. My point is, this is not a big community and their achievement is disproportionate with their population. The rest of us should feel humbled, chastened, and yes, inspired by this accomplishment. And I don't mean in some vague aspirational way. I mean big pierogies. Dubai, I'm talkin' to you.

Slippage

They say you shouldn't judge a man till you've walked a mile in his shoes but don't say how you're supposed to get them. Certainly, I wouldn't give you mine; they are new chukka boots which I haven't had a pair of these since the seventies. When I look down at my feet I feel like I'm about to start 7^th grade. My sense of myself hasn't changed all that much since then, just creakier and a little less hopeful. Also, the freckles on my cheeks seem to have slid all the way down to the backs of my hands.