Let them eat C2H5OH

I hate to say I told you so, but I told you so. When I first heard about ethanol and bio-diesel fuels I said, “Oh, great, now human beings have to compete directly with motor vehicles for food.” The damn cars already get more tax money and public infrastructure than our kids. They've already destroyed our cities and ravaged the countryside. Now we have to fight them for a handful of grits. On the plus side, there's still plenty to eat where I live, and Washington is sending me a stimulus package- I hope they remember batteries and lube.

Bitter herbs and neuroses

It's unsettling when your personal creation myth doesn't jibe with reality. That's why creationists are so scared of science; Copernicus didn't even publish in his own lifetime 'cause he knew people need to be at the center of their universe. The present can seem meager and narrow, so it's nice to remember the past as glorious. Anyway, “remember you were slaves in Egypt” sounds better than “remember we were guest workers in the construction trades.” Meanwhile I'm here checking the household hints section of the Picayune to see if anybody knows the best way to get blood off a lintel.

Dazzled by tomorrow's bright promise

Two full terms of inept, mean-spirited leadership have left voters feeling battered and resentful. They want to believe that the future holds something better than divisive political wrangling and overseas adventurism. The Republican candidate carries the political baggage of long years as a legislator, as well as the stain of association with the discredited regime. That's why this new guy is so refreshing. He's had political experience, but he's no Beltway insider. He projects an endearing combination of intelligence, decency, and self-deprecating humor. I'm telling you, all Obama needs is a peanut farm and a drunken baby brother.

This all goes without saying

By the time anybody says, “...to make a long story short,” it's already too late. When they say, “I don't want to sound like a jerk,” it means they're a jerk. When they say, “Now, I may be wrong,” it means no such possibility exists. Then they may say, “Call me an idiot if you like.” This is a trick. You should not immediately say, “You're an idiot.” When they ask if you want some advice, you should always say “no.” They'll change it up on you sometimes, ask if you mind a little advice. Then your answer is “yes.”