OK. This week's rant is "written."

Big spender here decides to pop for new pair of boots for a sojourn to the frigid north, so off to Walmart I go. In consultation with the knowledgeable sales staff, I locate the area of the store containing footwear, and finally settle on a pair of boots that include the word “waterproof” stamped on the ankle. I take a test walk utilizing an old dog. I walk through some dewy grass and notice my toes are just the tiniest bit moist. These boots are not waterproof, they are “waterproof.” Like the chili is “homemade” and Will Ferrell is “funny.”

Seriously? Monday already?

It's going to be tough in just 100 words to adequately address the topics that present themselves this morning. To mention just two of them, today is Presidents' Day, and I've discovered that Palm Beach County, Florida, is simply crawling with Finns. Specifically, in the town of Hypoluxo about one in every 20 residents speaks Finnish. Most of them live in the gritty “Little Espoo” neighborhood, where they endure a climate incompatible with their traditional lifestyle. Two words: sweaty reindeer. Then there's this portmanteau holiday where we celebrate the lives of our two greatest leaders by receiving no mail.

Two words: Mango Freeze

So the Jazz Fest schedule is out- keepin' it real this year with jazz stalwarts like Bon Jovi and Pete Seeger. Seeger is appearing to celebrate his 90th birthday. At 50 bucks a ticket, that's more of a gamble than I'm willing to make- this guy shouldn't be buying green bananas, much less making commitments months in advance. Plus, I have a problem with Pete Seeger. With all due respect, he can be kind of a supercilious snot. His big hit is that Malvina Reynolds song, “Little Boxes.” Great. A folk song that ridicules the aspirations of working people.

Just who is this Mitch Starker I keep hearing about?

Are we going to finally have our own Great Depression? A little late, I say. Living through upheavals is what made our parents and grandparents the tough old birds they were. We were different, raised on Howdy Doody and Ovaltine. We were being fattened up to slide down easy when adversity came to swallow us. Like Kobe beef. Today they've decided a little dirt in a baby's diet is a good thing; a few microorganisms strengthen the immune system. So rat feces in hot dogs is actually a good thing, like a free vaccine. They should have charged us extra.