Strapped

Dollar stores are not created equal. Family Dollar is okay, Dollar Tree is utterly worthless. A store called “Everything’s A $1.00 Dollar” (pronounced “everything’s a one dollar dollar”) used to have the best selection of colorful rubber frogs anywhere. Anyway, in the parking lot of the Dollar General a guy is getting out of his camouflage pickup. Big guy, camo pants, tall boots, camo cap. And he’s wearing an actual live baby strapped to his chest. And I want to tell him, “Pal, you’re living in a fool’s paradise if you think that little thing is gonna stop a bullet.”

What's this guy's beef?

Michael Pollan was just on the BBC explaining that the main way he makes ethical meat eating decisions is by spending more money. Which is a brave thing to admit, I think, that your claim to an ethical position is something you purchase, like a medieval church indulgence. Then there's those products you can get that promise to use some of your money to give the same stuff to poor folks. This buys you the luxury of charity without eye contact. The poor themselves, presumably, cannot afford to make the same choice. So ethics and morality are luxury items. Commodities.

Use your mentality. Wake up to reality.

Destron Fearing is not a George Lucas villain. It's a company that makes radio-frequency devices like the ID chips some people put in their dogs. This is important because dogs are notorious for forgetting their wallets when they leave the house and what if they want to stop for a beer on the way home? Actually, the point is moot since so few dogs make 21, unless we're talking dog years. Anyway, at last count 6 states have specific laws against forcing a human to undergo a microchip implant. That makes it tougher for lobbyists to track their pet legislators.

We all like pie.

Disassociative Identity Disorder is the modern name for multiple personalities, a psychiatric condition disproportionately represented in bestsellers and made-for-TV movies as compared to other psychological diagnoses. DID was extremely fashionable in the '80s and early '90s; today it is much less trendy. There was professional rivalry to see who could diagnose the most “alters,” as the extra personalties were called. This resulted in incredible personality inflation, from the three faces of Eve to a chart-topping 4,500. I may very well have a few myself, but it's hard to tell since they seem to be absolutely identical in every way.