Author! Author!

So there goes David Foster Wallace, joining Thomas M. Disch, Stefan Zweig, Hunter S. Thompson, H. Beam Piper, Hart Crane, Virginia Woolf... too many to mention. All those writers who decided to, um, become their own sternest editors. Language is the great differentiator, the development that separates humans from rough beasts. It lets us know stuff we never thought of for ourselves. It lets us jump backwards and forwards in time. And it may allow its best practitioners to exhaust life's possibilities long before their bodies are used up. Want a long life? Do like me: Write short. Write shallow.

Just what are vagabond shoes, anyway?

You know what's a stupid song? That “New York, New York.” The opening “flink-flink-flinky-dink” riff is infuriating. You get drunks requesting it just to prove they can remember the name of a song, which is cheating, because it's also the name of a city. Then there's the blatant falsehood at the core of the silly thing. “If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere.” They obviously don't mean bagels-- you can't get a decent one west of Cleveland. Plus, a lot of people make it in New York who couldn't last a day in Houston.

Low humor from high ground

It's been just short of three years since we all trickled back. My buddy Gallivan had a guy ask him, “Did you evacuate?” Gallivan said, “No. I think I may have something on my shoe.” But seriously, the Great New Orleanian Diaspora of 2008 is coming along quite nicely. We're hundreds of miles away from home after a panicky period of planning and packing, and a grueling bumper-to-bumper drive. So it's a lot like Labor Day weekend all across America. Better safe than sorry, I guess. But you know guys; we hate to be accused of premature evacuation.

Speaking of superfluous articles...

When I was a kid, my grandfather told me that the dog was a man's best friend. He meant “man's best friend,” but added a superfluous article. Years later I figured out it meant dog and man as species, not just some weird guy Grampa knew. Anyway, my vet just sent me a reminder that it's time for Omar's shots, a note that begins, “If you're like most pet owners, you consider your pet's health to be just as important as your own.” That's sad. If “most pet owners” really feel that way, the dogs aren't the only sick puppies.

Meet the new decider, same as the old decider

Look. You can either be a rational being, or a deist. Pick one, but then don't ask for any job that calls for the other. I'm looking at a picture in the paper of Obama and McCain flanking some evangelist preacher after a spirited round of Holier-than-Thou at his big box tabernacle. Great, says I. This clears my calendar for the first Tuesday following the first Monday in November. And all three of these clowns are wearing suits and dress shirts, but no ties. Which doesn't look casual- just crummy. Look. Dress up or dress down. Pick one.

The best idea I've ever had

In Utica, New York, out front of the zoo, stands the world's largest watering can. It's like 15 and a half feet tall. It's kind of a big deal, I guess. You know what would be really funny? If Ithaca, New York, announced plans to build their own rival giant watering can. But the Ithaca can would be just fractionally smaller, say 15 feet four inches. And the Mayor of Ithaca could say, “We just decided that if Utica, New York, could have the world's largest watering can, the great city of Ithaca could have the second largest watering can.”

Like Ol' Man River, but more so.

Look, I got definite tree-hugger tendencies. Given the choice between mountaintop removal for cheap coal and rolling blackouts across the eastern U.S., I'll go for the widespread human misery every time. I'd rather see every motorhome in America up on blocks and rusting than cause passing anxiety to even a single caribou. But still. Could we stop talking about saving the planet? The planet doesn't need saving- it's already been through much heavier changes than anything humans can do. Methane atmosphere? Cool. Continental drift? Not a problem. Mountains rise and fall. Species come and go. The planet don't care.