Size Matters

Cawker City, Kansas, is one of several places claiming the world’s biggest ball of twine. The thing is, ball of twine arguments have gotten so much media attention that they are no longer considered quirky enough to warrant the full attention of true biggest stuff aficionados. Just outside of Effingham, Illinois, (motto: “I Wonder Who’s Effingham Now”) stands America’s second biggest cross. It is 198 feet tall, which for comparison is nearly 1,358 times the height of the typical crucifix such as might be worn around the neck, which would likely escape your attention as you passed Effingham on I-57.

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I didn’t write the following, just cut and pasted: “In slugs it is often impossible to distinguish closely related species using external features and so reliable identification requires dissection to examine the genitalia. Slugs produce two types of mucus: one is thin and watery, and the other thick and sticky. Some species of slug secrete slime cords to suspend a pair during copulation. In the banana slugs, the penis sometimes becomes trapped inside the body of the partner. Apophallation allows the slugs to separate themselves by one or both of the slugs chewing off the other's or its own penis.”

The Island of the Danged

We should have seen what was coming when the Captain stubbed his toe. We had at that moment disembarked and were standing on the shore surveying the island which, it seemed, was fated to be our home until such time as rescue should arrive. We were: Myself, O’Connor the industrialist and his charming daughter, Schmidt the brusque and vigorous circus strongman, and the monocled and highly decorated Prinz Kraznoffski escorting the much-celebrated chanteuse Mademoiselle Mimi. How were we to know that none of us would escape mishaps as grievous as our Captain’s, or in some cases, almost nearly as bad.

Also belts

A lot of young fellows have a problem with their baseball caps and as a result are walking around with the bill pointed backwards so it does not serve its purpose of shading their eyes from the sun. Then some guys you’ll see strolling around with their sweaters draped around their shoulders and the sleeves tied like Carol Channing’s feather boa. Still other dudes can be observed with their shirts worn like a sash around their waists. The purveyors of men’s clothing should be required before making any sale to confirm that the purchaser is qualified to operate the garment.

Aspirin, Cellophane, Hovercraft

You know how “Kleenex” and “Jell-O” and “Q-tip” and “Kool-Aid” are trademarks of specific brands that have come to be used as common terms for their respective product categories? You know how that pisses off the trademark holders – the nameless faceless corporate entities that want more than anything to differentiate their brands from alternatives that are functionally identical and differ only in packaging and advertising budget? Are you interested in tweaking the noses of the privileged in a petty and infantile manner? Sure you are. So let’s start referring to every wristwatch, starting with my $18 Casio, as a Rolex.

Beware of imitations

Rubber dog poop is funny but inherently less funny than real dog poop, because it’s fake and the real thing is always better. Also, you can get real dog poop for free whereas fake poop must be purchased and anyway nowadays I suspect that unscrupulous manufacturers are making their poop from pirated molds of previous iterations so that what the gullible consumer ends up purchasing is actually a replica of fake dog poop although it must be said it’s still funnier than a rubber chicken. There’s nothing funny about a rubber chicken. Nor Bob Hope. Nobody laughs at those things.

Clown Car or Dumpster Fire?

From last Thursday’s Washington Post: “House Speaker Mike Johnson on Wednesday expressed ‘real reservations’ about a motion to expel embattled Rep. George Santos and said that lawmakers would be free to ‘vote their conscience…’” So, okay, two things. For one, I understand his reservations. The slightest suggestion that a representative could get themselves expelled from congress simply for being a comically inept shameless lying cheating thieving sack of shit might well rock the institution to its very foundations. However, secondly, the assertion that lawmakers would be “free to vote their conscience” requires a presupposition I am not prepared to accept.