Palermo Pachyderms

While Sicilian Dwarf Elephants would be a great name for a soccer club, it was an extant species until about 200,000 years ago when they were eaten all up by Cave Hyenas. A full-grown Sicilian Dwarf Elephant would come just about up to your waist and weigh around 300 kilograms, too heavy for a house pet but perhaps manageable outdoors if you have a big yard. But a single Sicilian Dwarf Elephant would probably get lonely so you’d want to host a family. Don’t forget plenty of fresh drinking water and a sturdy fence to keep the Cave Hyenas out.

Are velcro shoes next?

Why is it that when a man reaches a certain age he finds himself walking girl dogs? I don’t mean dogs which are girls. I mean the type of dog which when you look at it you think probably it belongs to a girl. Yet here you are holding a tiny little leash taking tiny little steps around the block. It’s not just me. Check out the sidewalks in your neighborhood or go to the dog park. Young guys with Pitties and Shepherds. Geezers with Schnauzers or Dachshunds. Or French Bulldogs. Cripes. I never dreamt it would be French Bulldogs.

The Prune Song

You’ve probably heard a lot of loose talk these days about disinterring the remains of Frank Crumit and extracting his DNA to produce a clone in order to record new versions of songs he originally committed to wax in the days of acoustic recording and so enhance the audio quality of those renditions. I want to join the growing groundswell of opposition by stating clearly my belief that this is a terrible, terrible idea. The limited sonic spectrum and dynamic range as well as the surface noise and scratches and pops are part of the charm of these vintage recordings.

Vinny Testaverde

Did you know that a mere 100 years ago Booth Tarkington was considered this country’s greatest writer? Nowadays his name is hardly ever spoken which is a shame not necessarily for the quality of his work which I admit I have never read one word of but because speaking his name is a physically pleasant activity. Try it yourself. Booth Tarkington. And once again: Booth Tarkington. It is possible that he achieved renown simply because people enjoyed speaking his name; “I’ve just been reading Booth Tarkington.” No relation to football great Fran Tarkenton, whose name is also fun to say.

Measure for Measure

There’s a reason why the metric system system remains so universally unpopular and that is its damnable inconsistency. Look here: their inch, which they call the centimeter, is less than half the length of the conventional unit while their yard is three inches longer than normal. Confused yet? I propose to simplify the metric system in order to make it easier to understand and use. After my revisions, each metric measure will be exactly one half of the unit it imitates. Thus, the kilometer will equal exactly 0.5 miles and official standard human body temperature will be 49.3 degrees Celsius.

Slang slung

While the phrase “balls to the wall” may sound testicular, it’s actually totally aeronautical. See, the throttle levers on some airplanes had these spheres on top and you pushed them forward to go faster. The fastest you could go was when they were all the way to the front, against the dashboard. So saying “balls to the wall” is simply saying “full throttle” or “pedal to the metal,” with a whiff of aviation fuel and testosterone. The point being, make sure you fully understand vernacular phrases before incorporating them into your colloquies lest you find yourself pulling some queer boners.

diddle diddle dumpling

It’s a debate as old as humankind. It has destroyed friendships and families and led to the collapse of empires, to the extinction of civilizations. Sock shoe sock shoe or sock sock shoe shoe? I wasn’t sure which side I was on because I never paid attention, so I checked. This morning I put on my left sock and then pulled on and laced my right shoe. But I realized my error immediately and so pulled off the sock. Then I went to the kitchen for more coffee and sat down here to type up my results: I walk funny.

(your caption here)

I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about how for some reason that raggedy guy with the scraggly beard on the tiny island with one palm tree is comedy gold. You know that guy, star of a million one-panel gags. I think he’s the same guy who in other cartoons crawls across the burning hot desert. He’s versatile. He also moonlights as the second guy, the new guy, hanging by his wrists on the stone wall of the dungeon. All of this is sort of a comedown. He used to get work as the husband in the armchair in the New Yorker.

Try this at home!

It is said that you can find your ideal stripper name by combining the name of your first pet with your mother’s maiden name which leaves me with Tovarich Zweig, which let’s face it lacks any trace of showbiz pizzazzz. This came up later, after I called the dog Knuckles Carbonara which made us laugh and we subsequently discovered that the way to make up a really good Warner Brothers gangster name is by combining a body part with an Italian food. We created a whole list. Eyebrows Lasagna. Biceps Bucatini. Hammertoe Scaloppine. Shin Bruschetta. Then Katie said Elbow Macaroni.

This just in

When the news people ask a question on camera, they are in reality just prompting for one of a set of stock answers. No athlete has ever said, “Well, this win is all down to me. The coaches are idiots, my teammates are useless dead weight, and our fans are a drag.” No survivor of a natural disaster has ever said, “Well, my whole family and the entire community perished, but what’s important is that all my material possessions are fine. You can always replace human beings; just as long as you have your stuff you can rebuild your life.”

Skipping some details

Playing music is easy. Locate and play one or more of the 12 available notes, then repeat that process at the proper intervals. Adopt the correct posture for your chosen genre: Rock music, you stand up. Also country and bluegrass. Blues you can sit if you’re old, which in itself confers a credibility advantage. Jazz you sit, unless it’s fusion then rock rules pertain. And for classical music you sit down and you have a music stand as well. Also, for guitarists, the following should help you to determine your appropriate strap length, in ascending order: Jazz, country, blues, rock.

Yup. That's it.

I had an 8:00 o’clock dental appointment today (just cleaning and exam, it’s all good, thanks for asking) and got a thrilling dopamine bump when the hygienist told me I was doing a good job. Rewards, amiright? So I got a late start on this week’s rant, and all I had ready was the following: “In the grand scheme of things, it really wouldn’t have made all that much difference if Jim Nabors had been cast as Gilligan while Bob Denver got the role of Gomer Pyle.” Only 32 words but I can pad it out and it’ll have to do.

a priori

Science tells us that time is an illusion but let’s admit that it’s a darn convincing one. Also it’s useful because imagine having simultaneously to be in kindergarten and at your granddaughter’s engagement party. It is helpful because it’s how you know when to stop eating breakfast. Sadly, time fails to do what you’d like it to because if you do a rotten thing you can still feel bad about it 50 years later. Some people say forget the past, but that’s crazy. If it wasn’t for the past you wouldn’t know any words or how to tie your shoes.

Are these the End Times?

As everyone knows, for years I resided in the great state of Wisconsin, an experience I recall with fondness. And recently it crossed my mind that I still can remember the Wisconsin State Soil, which is Antigo Silt Loam. I then realized that I had no idea if Wisconsin was unique in having a State Soil and it turns out, no, every state has one (mostly also silt loams) though only 20 of them have been legislatively so designated. So 30 of these United States have only common law or de facto State Soils. My God, what have we become?

Popcorn

There are two main types of popcorn, snowflake (also called butterfly) and mushroom. The corn you pop at home is more than likely snowflake corn, which when popped is fluffier and has those delicate pokey-outey parts. Mushroom popcorn pops up rounder and sturdier so that’s what they use to make popcorn balls or those tins with the cardboard divider separating three flavors which you only get at work and then only around the holidays. Also Cracker Jack, which has been severely degraded regarding the included toy. Every box of Cracker Jack ought to contain something a three-year-old can choke on.

zero tolerance

Texas has signs on the highway that say “OBEY WARNING SIGNS. STATE LAW.” So if you were to disobey a sign that says “DON’T TEXT AND DRIVE” you’d actually be breaking two laws at once, first by texting and driving and also second by disobeying the sign that says don’t text and drive. But wait! Don’t forget you’re also disobeying the first sign, the one that told you to obey warning signs. Well. There you are. Simultaneously committing three Texas crimes. Under current mandatory sentencing guidelines and Texas’ strict three strikes policy, you’re looking at death by lethal injection. Minimum.

discouraging words

Driving across Kansas I asked myself, “Where did everybody go?” I saw people in other cars, and there were people at the filling stations, but along the road I did not see anyone. I conclude that when the first people arrived, drawn by the naturally occurring interstate highways, they decided that this would be a good place to put Black Angus cattle. To keep the cattle comfortable they erected enormous fans on giant towers on the hilltops. When these fans are going there is a pleasant breeze, but when they stop the air becomes stagnant and the heat is stifling.

playful disposition?

I’m sure all my readers will recall how while getting my head turned completely around exploring the Axial Twist Hypothesis I kind of glossed over that part of the literature which referenced zebrafish because glossing over is how I manage to cover such a broad diversity of topics ranging from the Axial Twist Hypothesis to Very Large Pencils. Turns out zebrafish are good for aquariums due to their “playful disposition, rapid breeding, aesthetics, cheap price, and broad availability.” Plus I’ve learned that zebrafish can regenerate their damaged spinal cords which is why the market for zebrafish wheelchairs remains vanishingly small.

404 not found

People were making stencil prints of their hands on cave walls nearly 40,000 years ago. Around the same time, some cave folk were finger fluting in the moonmilk, which, get your mind out of the gutter. My point is, these simple communications from our distant ancestors have stood the test of time. We can read the story of Jacob and Esau from maybe 4,000 years ago to understand the underlying moral, which is don’t accept soup from your younger brother. A 400-year-old Shakespeare play needs no translation. And yet a 40-year-old floppy disc is harder to decipher than Linear B.

Coincidence? I think not.

I wanted to follow up on the world’s largest collection of pencils even after the Newton News of Jasper County, Iowa, tried to block my investigation. I’ve discovered that the record-holding collector is currently a math teacher in Colfax, Iowa, and that he is a native of Albert Lea, Minnesota, which coincidentally is the hometown of Eddie Cochran, who I mentioned here last month, and also of Richard Carlson, star of Creature from the Black Lagoon. What strange confluence of cosmic forces is at work here? More research is required around the inexplicable phenomena associated with the Albert Lea Vortex.

What I Believe

I know that my readers count on me for updates about the World’s Largest Pencil which title I believe at one time belonged to an office supply store in Wytheville, Virginia. The Wytheville Colossus, as I like to call it, has since been surpassed but remains my sentimental favorite. So, I was searching for “world’s largest pencil” and stumbled across a news story about the world’s largest pencil collection, which apparently a guy in Colfax, Iowa, has a lot of pencils. I would know more but the local paper’s website has a paywall and I believe knowledge should be free.

eye toll jew sew

It’s a shame that for political and economic reasons people all over the world need to learn to read and write English, a language so peculiar and inconsistent that even (and this is odd) its native users often find themselves flummoxed. Like when one is looking stern while facing the stern in the bow of a rowboat, shouting, “You scamp! Don’t cause a row, just take us into the swamp!” Or determining the proper ratio of the sides of your patio. Wait. I’m not through, though this is rough. Haven’t yet mentioned good and food, or dear and bear. Weird.

The Immortals

If Hank Williams had not died in his Cadillac at 29, if James Dean had not died in his Porsche at 24 or Clifford Brown in a different car at 25, if Johnny Ace hadn’t shot himself in the head also at 25, if Eddie Cochran had not died in a taxi wreck at 21, if Buddy Holly, Ritchie Valens, and The Big Bopper (16, 22, 28) hadn’t died in that plane crash in 1959, there’s a pretty good chance they’d all be dead by now anyway, or extremely old. That’s something to think about, but not for very long.

What I've been talking about

I’ve been talking about nearly nothing else since I recently heard about the Axial Twist Hypothesis, which posits that you and I and everything that has ever had a spine basically has its head on backwards. What this is is an attempt to explain why we’re internally asymmetrical, why our brains control opposite sides of our bodies, and also something called Yakovlevian torque. Admittedly, I just skimmed the part about zebrafish embryos and am somewhat unclear as to what evolutionary advantage the Axial Twist confers, but I acknowledge that its absence would make it extremely difficult to button one’s shirt.

Yard Waste

Maybe we use the word “hate” too often. The kid doesn’t hate broccoli, they just don’t like eating it. Nobody actually hates Kenny G. or Nickelback, they’re just staking out their cultural real estate. But I really hate leaf blowers, especially the internal combustion ones that produce more noise than a Top Fuel dragster in order to accomplish less useful work than a push broom. Those really loud blowers are usually operated by lawn care professionals hired by homeowners who could do the work themselves with a manual lawn mower and bamboo rake but they’re at the gym. For exercise.

not debatable

If two guys came to my house with competing estimates for putting on a new roof and one was a strapping young lad and the other a slightly feeble geezer, among the things upon which I would not base my decision would be a comparison of their ages since my assumption would be that the person with executive authority is most likely not actually going to climb onto the roof to handle directly the shingle-based aspects of the work at hand. Further, if my choice was instead between two elderly men, I would choose the more well-meaning of the two.

Adventures in Haberdashery

The local paper had a Gifts for Dad ad section and a plaid sport coat caught my attention first because it was hideous and second because they were asking $795.00 for it. And I’m like O My Gawd because the likeliest way somebody would buy that for their dad is if they were using his credit card which how about make him snort Tabasco then blow his nose in sandpaper. Seriously, this jacket could make a sportscaster upchuck. And for that price you could buy 100 jackets at the Salvation Army, not one of which would be half as ugly.

changeable hawk-eagle

The first thing you need to know about the changeable hawk-eagle is that there is such a bird. Beyond that, and I’m going to copy and paste here to mitigate somewhat the awesome burden of actually typing 100 words, “the life histories of raptors from tropical Asia are generally quite poorly-known, even in the case of easily observed raptors such as changeable hawk-eagles.” You may be thinking, “This isn’t starting off in a very promising manner,” but understand there is an extremely old dog behind my chair snoring and farting and also linear thinking has never been my strong suit.

Thumbs up for thumbs!

We win the biomass derby! There are about 8 billion humans, in global terms virtual clones of one another, currently living here. According to scientists, there is no evidence that there have ever been that many of any one species bigger than an ant alive at the same time. Just for comparison, they (smart people) estimate that the T. rex population probably averaged around 20,000 at a time for about a million and a half years for a total of 2.5 billion ever. To be fair, the T. rex had those tiny arms, so sophisticated tool-making would have been problematic.

Choo Choo Charlie

Suddenly and without any proximal sensory trigger, I want some Good & Plenty candy. It turns out I can have a five-pound sack delivered right to my door for less than 25 dollars. This is, of course, from Amazon and probably five pounds is more than I need. But here’s the thing: Amazon offers me a discount if I subscribe to regular deliveries - they recommend every two months. That would be 30 pounds of Good & Plenty per annum which I’m pretty sure is more than an average person eats in an average lifetime, even assuming they like licorice.

"Let's get this over with."

It’s always the end of the world somewhere. The defenders of Masada were dead sure that their struggle would bring about the arrival of the Messiah. Jacob Bernoulli predicted a comet would destroy the Earth in 1719. (The guy they mention when explaining airplane wings was his nephew.) TV preacher Pat Robertson said the world would end in 1982. There still live among us dotards who recall that whole Y2K kerfuffle. Seeing that extinction is apt to entail a lot less work than survival, predicting the imminent end of all things may be seen as a kind of wishful thinking.

A pretty kettle of fish

“A newly opened can of surströmming has one of the most putrid food smells in the world.” I’ll explain. Surströmming is a traditional Swedish food that is prepared by marinating Baltic Sea herring in just enough salt to prevent it from rotting while it ferments in a can for up to a year. It is recommended that the can be opened out of doors, and that’s advice from people who like the stuff. Several international airlines have banned it. So it’s unsurprising that there are a lot of Italian restaurants in Sweden but not so many Swedish restaurants in Italy.

Cranky Codger Chronicals

There once was a library service called Ready Reference where you would dial a phone number and a person would look up facts in actual books and give you your answer. These were some of the finest people in the world. Now instead we have Wikipedia and YouTube, which is like going to a library where the reference section is curated by deranged bonobos. Still, on occasion you can pick up unexpected tidbits of arcane knowledge. I have learned, for instance, that using one of those chin-up bars that you install in a doorframe will lead immediately to coccyx-shattering hilarity.

Speak for Yourself

“Lead Author Professor Jianfeng Feng, University of Warwick, said: ‘Developing a healthy balanced diet from an early age is crucial for healthy growth. To foster the development of a healthy balanced diet, both families and schools should offer a diverse range of nutritious meals and cultivate an environment that supports their physical and mental health.’” I didn’t cut and paste the above to dispute the content but to question the use of the word “said.” I’m pretty sure Professor Feng never “said” what he’s quoted as saying. Nobody has ever actually “said” such a thing. It’s not how humans say.

Dumb Luck

You don’t wish an actor good luck before going onstage. What you say instead is “break a leg,” which may be derived from the German “Hals- und Beinbruch” which actually includes the encouragement to break your neck as well, because Germans. In baseball, you’re not supposed to mention when a pitcher has a no-hitter going. For good luck, Chelsea Football Club players all use the same urinal (not, I assume, simultaneously) before each match. And of course, fast-food professionals hold the superstition that mentioning MacDonald’s by name is bad luck; they always refer to it as “The Scottish Place.”

Sunday!

I can’t think of a single reason why I would wake up this morning thinking about Shirley “Cha Cha” Muldowney, but there you have it. The human brain, which fundamentally is solely tasked with keeping our reproductive organs intact until such time as they have successfully continued the species, has a tendency to use its off time to continue working aimlessly in very much the same way a lawnmower when not actively engaged in cutting grass never would. “Cha Cha” was portrayed onscreen by Bonnie Bedelia who it turns out is the aunt of MacCaulay Culkin of Home Alone fame.

Mohawks and fingerless gloves

Is it only me who thinks that the Tesla Cybertruck looks like a prop built of spray-painted plywood on a Fiat chassis in a really cheesy Italian Road Warrior knock-off movie from about 1983 where all the extras look like they escaped from a Ratt video? I think the Tesla’s designers wanted it to look futuristic but the problem is we’ve already used up the future. Like, an Amazing Stories cover from let’s say 1926 looks way more like The World of Tomorrow than any current technology here in the actual 21st century which we’re nearly a quarter through it.

No Fooling

For a long time it was thought that the apricot originated in ancient Armenia but recent genetic studies seem to indicate that the fruit was first domesticated in China. The pits contain amygdalin which in the digestive system decomposes to produce hydrogen cyanide, a deadly poison. A derivative of amygdalin, laetrile, was promoted as a cancer cure but this was pure quackery. The original Steve McQueen (not to be confused with today’s Steve McQueen, the British film director) underwent a series of treatments that included both laetrile and coffee enemas in an attempt to cure the cancer that killed him.

Save the date

Sometimes scientists postulate the existence of a substance to make their observations conform to their ideas. Like phlogiston was this imaginary stuff that escaped and created heat when you set fire to something. The ether was this all-pervasive invisible fluid through which waves could propagate across space. They’re gone now; subsequent research obviated the need for them. Now new research suggests that there’s no such thing as dark matter. As a consequence of this, the estimated age of the universe gets bumped up from just under 14 billion years to more than 26 billion. So, update your calendars, I guess.

Maybe it was Arabian

Do you remember that one television show? This one guy had this horse that lived in his garage and it could talk. The horse, I mean, but only to the one guy, Wilbur. At least, that was the story; it didn’t really happen. It was a fictional portrayal from the perspective of this poor sick crazy guy Wilbur who had this delusional belief that Ray Walston had flown in from Mars and left a talking horse in his back yard. Anyway, you know what I heard? That horse didn’t really speak English and had to learn all its lines phonetically.

I don't deserve this

Our language has a lot of words that used to mean something other than what they mean now. Words like “hysterical” or “awesome” or “terrific.” So, last night through no fault of my own for work-related reasons I was sort of required to watch the Academy Awards all the way through on an extremely large screen. The main things I learned are that the phrase “transformational journey” now means what “job” used to mean, “brilliant” is the new word for competent, and “magic” can be used in place of “profit.” In addition, the phrase “I love you” means nothing whatsoever.

Our Demands Are Not Negotiable.

1) Declare Election Day a national holiday. Move it to summer. Provide ice cream.
 

2) Eliminate the penny and use all that zinc for batteries for EVs.
 

3) Abolish daylight saving time, which was invented to make us feel powerless and stupid.
 

4) Outlaw the designated hitter rule. Two teams of nine players each: it should be in the constitution.
 

5) Revise the calendar to consist of 13 months of 28 days each, so that each day of the month always falls on the same day of the week, adding up to 364 days. The extra day? duh. Election Day.

I kinda like Ike.

Do you think of Dwight David Eisenhower as a particularly poetic person? Until now me neither but this is kind of great:

“When I was a boy growing up in Kansas, a friend of mine and I went fishing and as we sat there on the warmth of a summer afternoon we talked about what we wanted to do when we grew up. I told him I wanted to be a major league baseball player, a genuine professional like Honus Wagner. My friend said that he'd like to be president of the United States. Neither of us got our wish.”

Born to lead

Here’s a thought experiment. Put a hairbrush in a shoebox. Put the lid on the shoebox. Then start asking people what they think is in the shoebox. Maybe they’ll say, “An apple.” That would be incorrect, though. Somebody else might guess shoes, which isn’t a bad guess, or a stapler, which, why not? A bar of soap? A Hummel figurine wrapped in tissue paper? A dead Guinea pig? Eventually and inevitably  someone will ask, “Is it a hairbrush?” And, yes, it’s a hairbrush! Wow! This extraordinary person knew about – predicted – the hairbrush in the shoebox! They must be a genius.

Shrove is the past tense of Shrive

King Cake is just whatever you feel like baking smothered in sugary frosting and encrusted with granulated sugar tinted in colors which are not typically the colors of actual food. King Cake is everywhere around this time of year and you find yourself eating it constantly leading inevitably to Fat Tuesday. To me the best time to enjoy Carnival Season in New Orleans is Wednesday Gras when you can stand on the curb without the inconvenience of congested streets or the unpleasantness of being stuck in an inebriated crowd and you are less likely to be struck by flying beads.

What are the odds?

I have just read that the chances of being struck by lightning over one human lifetime are about 15,300 to one which makes this a thing about which you for all practical purposes need not worry at all. Don’t give it another thought. Your chance of winning the Powerball is close to 20,000 times worse than that; you’d be better off taking out lightning insurance on your friends and family. The odds of surviving a lightning strike are about 90%, so there’s every chance you could rake in a fat payout and still enjoy that favorite cousin or bowling partner.

Omaha and Lincoln, if you're wondering

Inspired by the example of that harbinger of tomorrow, Alabama, Nebraska State Senator Loren Lippincott has introduced legislation to make asphyxiation with nitrogen an Official Nebraska State Method of Execution. Senator Lippincott represents a place called Central City, which unless I am very much mistaken was also home to the Flash back in the 1960s. It is just a bit more than a two hour drive from Bellevue, the third biggest city in Nebraska and the second largest city in the U.S. named Bellevue. Is thinking up better ways to kill people a normal part of a Nebraska legislator’s job?

Your Partner in Progress

In today’s fast-paced business climate, where just-in-time materials strategies are driving new economies of scale in the logistics of outsourced supply-side input streams, key operators in the manufacturing sector are turning to turn-key solutions to address their downstream customer’s demands for flexibility and expertise with a widening array of off-the-shelf offerings that provide mission-critical support that allows them to leverage their key competencies for success in a global market. That’s why, to serve you better, Amalgamated Punch and Federated Chisel have joined forces to form Consolidated Punch and Chisel, the full-service one-stop resource for all your punch and chisel needs.

Size Matters

Cawker City, Kansas, is one of several places claiming the world’s biggest ball of twine. The thing is, ball of twine arguments have gotten so much media attention that they are no longer considered quirky enough to warrant the full attention of true biggest stuff aficionados. Just outside of Effingham, Illinois, (motto: “I Wonder Who’s Effingham Now”) stands America’s second biggest cross. It is 198 feet tall, which for comparison is nearly 1,358 times the height of the typical crucifix such as might be worn around the neck, which would likely escape your attention as you passed Effingham on I-57.

eeew

I didn’t write the following, just cut and pasted: “In slugs it is often impossible to distinguish closely related species using external features and so reliable identification requires dissection to examine the genitalia. Slugs produce two types of mucus: one is thin and watery, and the other thick and sticky. Some species of slug secrete slime cords to suspend a pair during copulation. In the banana slugs, the penis sometimes becomes trapped inside the body of the partner. Apophallation allows the slugs to separate themselves by one or both of the slugs chewing off the other's or its own penis.”

The Island of the Danged

We should have seen what was coming when the Captain stubbed his toe. We had at that moment disembarked and were standing on the shore surveying the island which, it seemed, was fated to be our home until such time as rescue should arrive. We were: Myself, O’Connor the industrialist and his charming daughter, Schmidt the brusque and vigorous circus strongman, and the monocled and highly decorated Prinz Kraznoffski escorting the much-celebrated chanteuse Mademoiselle Mimi. How were we to know that none of us would escape mishaps as grievous as our Captain’s, or in some cases, almost nearly as bad.