I love the smell of DEHP in the morning

A research team at the University of Rochester (I'm pretty sure their school motto is “I'll bring the Maxwell around, Mr. Benny.”) have found that women who are exposed to vinyl flooring and plastic shower curtains while pregnant will give birth to boys who are less likely than other boys to play with cars, trains and guns or engage in rougher games like playfighting. It seems that certain volatile plasticizers mimic the action of estrogen and repress the action of the male hormone testosterone. I'll just say again what I've been saying for years. They're not dolls. They're action figures.

How ya like dem ersters?

Every year in the United States, an estimated 15 people are killed by Vibrio vulnificus, a bacteria picked up from eating raw oysters. Most folks, Vibrio won't hurt you; these fatalities are pretty much restricted to those with compromised immune systems. And there are warnings posted in restaurants, so actually the fatalities are further restricted to those who can't or won't read. The Food and Drug Administration, staffed entirely by former hall monitors and eraser clappers, has a simple solution. They intend to ban the sale of raw Gulf oysters. Since when are immuno-compromised illiterates such a powerful lobbying block?

I didn't see any Angela Merkels

On Halloween night on the corner of Esplanade and Decatur in New Orleans, the street was a human river of outlandishly garbed maniacs in various states of expectation, inebriation, and exaltation. Some of them even dressed up for the holiday. Which brings up the topic of women's costumes. There is a whole genre of commercially available costumes based on taking any female character from fiction or real life, and adding the modifier “slutty” to it. So, “Slutty Bo Peep,” “Slutty Nun,” even “Slutty Olive Oyl.” The profit margin on these must be tremendous; certainly materials costs are held pretty low.

Don't Cry for Me Adenocarcinoma

If you're reduced to reading this, you've probably already perused every scrap of information available to the public, including gum wrappers and the messages in the grout between tiles. So you already know what I'm about to tell you. But just in case you haven't heard: Andrew Lloyd Webber has been diagnosed with cancer. Probably not deadly, so this is one of those cases of too little, too late. He really needs to contract something more retroactive. I'm told he first noticed his prostate trouble when he kept having to get up in the middle of the night to compose.

I'm still waiting for the new Amiga...

Windows 7 is here. They say they've learned from what was wrong with Vista; they mean to say they learned a whole lot. Microsoft is like General Motors; they keep rolling out new models with different tailfins and headlight configurations in hopes that nobody will notice that the engine driving the whole contraption hasn't improved in decades. We all know how that worked for Pontiac and Oldsmobile: They're building Microsoft excitement! It's not your father's Windows! Then there's Linux. Even Chevy never had to worry about a bunch of engineers building a better car and giving it away for free.

Bankers and postmen are whooping it up.

Today we observe Columbus Day, although he actually discovered the new world (Three of the four preceding words are nonsense. The “the” is alright.) on October 21st, 1492 by the Gregorian calendar. Actually, by the Julian calendar in use in 1492, the date was October 12th, so we're back to this being Columbus Day. In my family, we don't do a lot for Columbus Day. Of all the holidays, I think only Arbor Day gets less hoopla. I suggest that Columbus Day is a great day to sit around in your pajamas listening to Duke Ellington. But what day isn't?

Explanations come to an end

Immanuel Kant could have used some hobbies. He should have built model railroads or hung out all day at comic book shops. Instead he filled volume after volume with maddening conceptual tail-chasing. That's what happens when smart people devote their energies to answering stupid questions. The meaning of life? It's in the dictionary. You want the meaning not of the word but of what the word represents? Stupid question – you know what “bicycle” means but you'd never ask for the meaning of your actual Schwinn. Take a ride in the park. You're not going to live forever, you know.