Down to their level

Oscar Peterson, Joe Pass, and Niels-Henning Ørsted Pedersen (NHOP) were on the radio last night. And they sounded like crap because this recording was from the mid-70s, the Golden Age of Crappy Audio (GACA). The technology was fine; the producer and engineer were idiots. The combination of close micing, gratuitous equalization, and unlimited limiting made all three instruments sound like they'd been pushed through a single nostril. No big Jewish nostril either - one of those stingy little hotel-heiress ones. And of course, dynamics were far too important to be trusted to mere musicians... Edison cylinders sounded better.

these things snowball

They found 90 thousand bucks in Bill Jefferson's freezer. That's slightly less than Bob Byrd's maid normally finds between the sofa cushions. A 90 grand tip would be an insult to Dubya after giving some Halliburton exec's wingtips one of his forked-tongue shoeshines. All Congressmen are traditionally assumed to be utterly corruptible, so why go after the gentleman from Louisiana? Let's just say the reason starts with "n" and rhymes with “we grow.” While I have yet to peruse the entire 16-count indictment against “Dollar Bill” Jefferson, I'm pretty sure I'll find the word uppity in there somewhere.

For extinguished service

Normally I'm the least likely to be flinging superlatives around, but I just went to the best retirement party ever. Why? I think it was because not a single person from the retiree's job was there. Most guys, you make it to retirement all wrinkled and wizened, and you get a gold watch and a mealy-mouthed speech from some front-office putz who never noticed anything you did. Not this time. This was more hello than goodbye. Now when my time comes, I figure I'll combine my retirement shindig with my wake. You're invited. Bring flowers and a bottle.

Gusting?

I'm trying to think of what the opposite of disgusting is. Because we need something positive for the designers of road food to shoot for in the future. Just telling people what not to do isn't as effective as giving them a goal. And “delicious” or “enjoyable” seem wildly ambitious. See, I was just on the road for a day and a half. Plenty of time in the car to think. I've been conjuring up marketing slogans: “Shoney's – not half so vile as Stuckey's.” And wasn't there something called Skelley's? A weird triumvirate - restaurants that sound like medieval skin conditions.

party of the first part

Somebody told me the other day that I was antisocial, but isn't that when you're actively aggressive or hostile? I think she meant asocial; I can easily spend a lot of my time all by myself. Some people say if they spend a lot of time by themselves, they get bored. It must be the company. Anyway, I got my own social set, thanks very much. Other cantankerous malcontents. Not that we're any barrel of laughs. We convene every couple of years in clumps of two or three, glaring at each other for awhile over tepid cups of bitter coffee.

if X then Y

There's been a lot of ill-considered talk about something called “unconditional love,” and I for one want none of it. There's no such thing. Even the requirements that the loved one be carbon-based, or sentient, or possible to conjure up in the imagination, are conditions. Unconditional love is the Monopoly money or AOL startup disc of emotional offerings. It's pink packets of saccharine. Plus, I gotta tell you, if someone said to me, “There is nothing you can do to make me stop loving you,” I would take that as a personal challenge. Watch me. I'll find something.

"Man, you must be puttin' me on"

Word has it that the Lord told Abraham to take his son out and truss him up like a animal and prepare him for sacrifice. Which Abraham actually did, but at the last minute the Lord told him not to do it, not to kill Isaac. Apparently, Isaac wasn't supposed to be killed; that wasn't the point. The point was to see if Abraham would do this repellent thing if ordered to. It was just a test. I think Abe failed, thus introducing the line of defense later adopted by folks like Eichmann, Lt. Calley, and telephone customer service reps.