The Noblest Obbligato

Talk about aftershocks. A hideous horrible natural disaster has forced us all to say the word Chile more often than we are accustomed to. The other day I got corrected because I said it as if it was chili, like a bowl of chili. “No, no, no,” she said. “CHEE-lay. It's pronounced CHEE-lay.” I was appropriately chastened, but then I got to thinking; I'll bet she says Paris and not pah-REE. Berlin, not bear-LEEN. But Chile is south of the border. Condescension is what it is. And it ruins an old third-grade joke that also invokes Turkey, China, and Denmark.

We are professional grade

One of the reasons new restaurants keep opening and closing all the time is that folks who love to cook good food keep thinking they should get into the business of serving strangers. But the service industry is a tough scuffle for people accustomed to luxuries like self respect. It that sense, cooking is like playing music or being funny. So if you like cooking and are thinking of opening that little bistro, look at it this way: You probably like sex, too. You may be very good at it. That doesn't mean you should start doing it for money.

Love in a canoe.

I'm done with drinking pretty much the way I'm done with high school; I got everything I could out of it and can't imagine ever going back. Yet I couldn't help but notice that Anheuser-Busch has rolled out what they call the world's lightest beer. It's called Bud Select 55 and it has 55 calories per bottle, with 2.4% alcohol. Piffle. Many's the time I've safely driven home with more than that in my bloodstream. I figure the stuff is essentially a 50/50 blend of Budweiser and club soda. Actually, any dilution of Bud's taste is probably a good thing.

Now how much would you pay?

Remember the Pocket Fisherman? It was this little stubby fishing rod and reel to carry with so you could fish anywhere. The same guy brought us the Veg-O-Matic, Mr. Microphone (Hey good lookin', I'll be back to pick you up later!), and a sort of toupee in a spray can that made for the weirdest half hour of television ever. There's not a single real invention in there, but there is an admirable pattern of enthusiastic marketing innovation. So here's where I'm going with this: I believe that Steve Jobs is nothing less than the Ron Popeil of our generation.

Save your fork. There's pie.

An idea called multi-level selection posits that behaviors are as influential as genes in determining the survival of a species. There’s this guy David Sloan Wilson, a major proponent of the theory, who says, “Selfishness beats altruism within groups. Altruistic groups beat selfish groups. Everything else is commentary.” Here’s a pinhead’s view of how that works: if you eat all the food, including what’s on your kids’ plates, you will be fat and happy and live a long life. But your tribe will die out. Whether or not this has already occurred within the human species is an open question.

February 1st is always cut 'n' paste day!

From the frozen North, a request for some creative thinking around Milwaukee's “image marketing and brand identity.” Here are my suggestions:

Top 10 Milwaukee branding statements:

10: Like Minneapolis, with cheese!

9: Milwaukee: did you order this weather?

8: We used to brew beer.

7: Why is this lake named after the wrong state?

6: Small town thrills, big city charm.

5: Up to 15 days of sunshine every year!

4: Hey! Who remembers the Pacer?

3: If Chicago was New York, we'd be Jersey.

2: At least we're not Cleveland.

1: Milwaukee: A great city with a great motto.

Highway to Hell

Let's skip right past the hybrid and electric cars and start believing in magical ones. The only way to make a green automobile is with a coat of paint. See, 50% of our electrical energy comes from coal-fired plants – that means strip mining and mountaintop removal. Calling it clean energy is like pretending store-bought meat is slaughter-free. Plus, getting lithium out of the ground is a dirty process in itself – in some mining regions, the extraction process uses up two-thirds of the drinkable water. And why do electric cars need all that lithium? Simple. Their batteries are bipolar.