This just in

When the news people ask a question on camera, they are in reality just prompting for one of a set of stock answers. No athlete has ever said, “Well, this win is all down to me. The coaches are idiots, my teammates are useless dead weight, and our fans are a drag.” No survivor of a natural disaster has ever said, “Well, my whole family and the entire community perished, but what’s important is that all my material possessions are fine. You can always replace human beings; just as long as you have your stuff you can rebuild your life.”

Skipping some details

Playing music is easy. Locate and play one or more of the 12 available notes, then repeat that process at the proper intervals. Adopt the correct posture for your chosen genre: Rock music, you stand up. Also country and bluegrass. Blues you can sit if you’re old, which in itself confers a credibility advantage. Jazz you sit, unless it’s fusion then rock rules pertain. And for classical music you sit down and you have a music stand as well. Also, for guitarists, the following should help you to determine your appropriate strap length, in ascending order: Jazz, country, blues, rock.

Yup. That's it.

I had an 8:00 o’clock dental appointment today (just cleaning and exam, it’s all good, thanks for asking) and got a thrilling dopamine bump when the hygienist told me I was doing a good job. Rewards, amiright? So I got a late start on this week’s rant, and all I had ready was the following: “In the grand scheme of things, it really wouldn’t have made all that much difference if Jim Nabors had been cast as Gilligan while Bob Denver got the role of Gomer Pyle.” Only 32 words but I can pad it out and it’ll have to do.

a priori

Science tells us that time is an illusion but let’s admit that it’s a darn convincing one. Also it’s useful because imagine having simultaneously to be in kindergarten and at your granddaughter’s engagement party. It is helpful because it’s how you know when to stop eating breakfast. Sadly, time fails to do what you’d like it to because if you do a rotten thing you can still feel bad about it 50 years later. Some people say forget the past, but that’s crazy. If it wasn’t for the past you wouldn’t know any words or how to tie your shoes.

Are these the End Times?

As everyone knows, for years I resided in the great state of Wisconsin, an experience I recall with fondness. And recently it crossed my mind that I still can remember the Wisconsin State Soil, which is Antigo Silt Loam. I then realized that I had no idea if Wisconsin was unique in having a State Soil and it turns out, no, every state has one (mostly also silt loams) though only 20 of them have been legislatively so designated. So 30 of these United States have only common law or de facto State Soils. My God, what have we become?

Popcorn

There are two main types of popcorn, snowflake (also called butterfly) and mushroom. The corn you pop at home is more than likely snowflake corn, which when popped is fluffier and has those delicate pokey-outey parts. Mushroom popcorn pops up rounder and sturdier so that’s what they use to make popcorn balls or those tins with the cardboard divider separating three flavors which you only get at work and then only around the holidays. Also Cracker Jack, which has been severely degraded regarding the included toy. Every box of Cracker Jack ought to contain something a three-year-old can choke on.

zero tolerance

Texas has signs on the highway that say “OBEY WARNING SIGNS. STATE LAW.” So if you were to disobey a sign that says “DON’T TEXT AND DRIVE” you’d actually be breaking two laws at once, first by texting and driving and also second by disobeying the sign that says don’t text and drive. But wait! Don’t forget you’re also disobeying the first sign, the one that told you to obey warning signs. Well. There you are. Simultaneously committing three Texas crimes. Under current mandatory sentencing guidelines and Texas’ strict three strikes policy, you’re looking at death by lethal injection. Minimum.