diddle diddle dumpling

It’s a debate as old as humankind. It has destroyed friendships and families and led to the collapse of empires, to the extinction of civilizations. Sock shoe sock shoe or sock sock shoe shoe? I wasn’t sure which side I was on because I never paid attention, so I checked. This morning I put on my left sock and then pulled on and laced my right shoe. But I realized my error immediately and so pulled off the sock. Then I went to the kitchen for more coffee and sat down here to type up my results: I walk funny.

(your caption here)

I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about how for some reason that raggedy guy with the scraggly beard on the tiny island with one palm tree is comedy gold. You know that guy, star of a million one-panel gags. I think he’s the same guy who in other cartoons crawls across the burning hot desert. He’s versatile. He also moonlights as the second guy, the new guy, hanging by his wrists on the stone wall of the dungeon. All of this is sort of a comedown. He used to get work as the husband in the armchair in the New Yorker.

Try this at home!

It is said that you can find your ideal stripper name by combining the name of your first pet with your mother’s maiden name which leaves me with Tovarich Zweig, which let’s face it lacks any trace of showbiz pizzazzz. This came up later, after I called the dog Knuckles Carbonara which made us laugh and we subsequently discovered that the way to make up a really good Warner Brothers gangster name is by combining a body part with an Italian food. We created a whole list. Eyebrows Lasagna. Biceps Bucatini. Hammertoe Scaloppine. Shin Bruschetta. Then Katie said Elbow Macaroni.

This just in

When the news people ask a question on camera, they are in reality just prompting for one of a set of stock answers. No athlete has ever said, “Well, this win is all down to me. The coaches are idiots, my teammates are useless dead weight, and our fans are a drag.” No survivor of a natural disaster has ever said, “Well, my whole family and the entire community perished, but what’s important is that all my material possessions are fine. You can always replace human beings; just as long as you have your stuff you can rebuild your life.”

Skipping some details

Playing music is easy. Locate and play one or more of the 12 available notes, then repeat that process at the proper intervals. Adopt the correct posture for your chosen genre: Rock music, you stand up. Also country and bluegrass. Blues you can sit if you’re old, which in itself confers a credibility advantage. Jazz you sit, unless it’s fusion then rock rules pertain. And for classical music you sit down and you have a music stand as well. Also, for guitarists, the following should help you to determine your appropriate strap length, in ascending order: Jazz, country, blues, rock.

Yup. That's it.

I had an 8:00 o’clock dental appointment today (just cleaning and exam, it’s all good, thanks for asking) and got a thrilling dopamine bump when the hygienist told me I was doing a good job. Rewards, amiright? So I got a late start on this week’s rant, and all I had ready was the following: “In the grand scheme of things, it really wouldn’t have made all that much difference if Jim Nabors had been cast as Gilligan while Bob Denver got the role of Gomer Pyle.” Only 32 words but I can pad it out and it’ll have to do.

a priori

Science tells us that time is an illusion but let’s admit that it’s a darn convincing one. Also it’s useful because imagine having simultaneously to be in kindergarten and at your granddaughter’s engagement party. It is helpful because it’s how you know when to stop eating breakfast. Sadly, time fails to do what you’d like it to because if you do a rotten thing you can still feel bad about it 50 years later. Some people say forget the past, but that’s crazy. If it wasn’t for the past you wouldn’t know any words or how to tie your shoes.