Measure for Measure

There’s a reason why the metric system system remains so universally unpopular and that is its damnable inconsistency. Look here: their inch, which they call the centimeter, is less than half the length of the conventional unit while their yard is three inches longer than normal. Confused yet? I propose to simplify the metric system in order to make it easier to understand and use. After my revisions, each metric measure will be exactly one half of the unit it imitates. Thus, the kilometer will equal exactly 0.5 miles and official standard human body temperature will be 49.3 degrees Celsius.

Slang slung

While the phrase “balls to the wall” may sound testicular, it’s actually totally aeronautical. See, the throttle levers on some airplanes had these spheres on top and you pushed them forward to go faster. The fastest you could go was when they were all the way to the front, against the dashboard. So saying “balls to the wall” is simply saying “full throttle” or “pedal to the metal,” with a whiff of aviation fuel and testosterone. The point being, make sure you fully understand vernacular phrases before incorporating them into your colloquies lest you find yourself pulling some queer boners.

diddle diddle dumpling

It’s a debate as old as humankind. It has destroyed friendships and families and led to the collapse of empires, to the extinction of civilizations. Sock shoe sock shoe or sock sock shoe shoe? I wasn’t sure which side I was on because I never paid attention, so I checked. This morning I put on my left sock and then pulled on and laced my right shoe. But I realized my error immediately and so pulled off the sock. Then I went to the kitchen for more coffee and sat down here to type up my results: I walk funny.

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I’m pretty sure I’ve talked about how for some reason that raggedy guy with the scraggly beard on the tiny island with one palm tree is comedy gold. You know that guy, star of a million one-panel gags. I think he’s the same guy who in other cartoons crawls across the burning hot desert. He’s versatile. He also moonlights as the second guy, the new guy, hanging by his wrists on the stone wall of the dungeon. All of this is sort of a comedown. He used to get work as the husband in the armchair in the New Yorker.

Try this at home!

It is said that you can find your ideal stripper name by combining the name of your first pet with your mother’s maiden name which leaves me with Tovarich Zweig, which let’s face it lacks any trace of showbiz pizzazzz. This came up later, after I called the dog Knuckles Carbonara which made us laugh and we subsequently discovered that the way to make up a really good Warner Brothers gangster name is by combining a body part with an Italian food. We created a whole list. Eyebrows Lasagna. Biceps Bucatini. Hammertoe Scaloppine. Shin Bruschetta. Then Katie said Elbow Macaroni.

This just in

When the news people ask a question on camera, they are in reality just prompting for one of a set of stock answers. No athlete has ever said, “Well, this win is all down to me. The coaches are idiots, my teammates are useless dead weight, and our fans are a drag.” No survivor of a natural disaster has ever said, “Well, my whole family and the entire community perished, but what’s important is that all my material possessions are fine. You can always replace human beings; just as long as you have your stuff you can rebuild your life.”

Skipping some details

Playing music is easy. Locate and play one or more of the 12 available notes, then repeat that process at the proper intervals. Adopt the correct posture for your chosen genre: Rock music, you stand up. Also country and bluegrass. Blues you can sit if you’re old, which in itself confers a credibility advantage. Jazz you sit, unless it’s fusion then rock rules pertain. And for classical music you sit down and you have a music stand as well. Also, for guitarists, the following should help you to determine your appropriate strap length, in ascending order: Jazz, country, blues, rock.