Monday, June 27, 2011

Mad, am I? The fools!

I think probably Homer didn't write the Odyssey. As a blind wandering bard he would've had little access to even the primitive word-processing software of the time, let alone today's far superior GUIs that allow seamless WYSIWYG user interaction through keyboard, mouse and screen. Also, there is no evidence that he attended any sort of school where he could have studied ancient Greek, a notoriously difficult language. My candidate for the actual author of Homer's works: John Fitzgerald Kennedy, our 35th President, who not only attended Harvard but then there's his wife's second husband, an actual ancient Greek. Mere coincidence?

Monday, June 20, 2011

Up against the wall.

You know when you're at a social event and somebody you barely know thinks you look lonely so they walk over and say something like why so glum, chum? and you go heh-heh and they start talking and before you know it you're nodding your head up and down so fast you might actually beat your own brains out against the inside of your skull which doesn't seem so bad compared to what's happening on the outside of it which is your new friend is getting ready to open his wallet and show you baby pictures? Facebook is like that.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Cordial and Substantive.

When you said, "I respect your opinion," you meant, "I hold you and everything about you in utter contempt." To which I responded by saying, “We're really not that far apart on this,” which means, “I'm pretty sure we're not the same species. Can you prove you're even a mammal?” You replied, “We just have to take the time to listen to one another,” which is to say, “I hope you get lung cancer in your eyes.” But I meant every word when I said, “I heard you wrong.” I heard you. You were wrong.

Monday, June 6, 2011

Tails has something to prove.

Sports commentators have the uncanny ability to see patterns that are invisible to the casual observer. Flip a coin once and they'll tell you heads has the momentum. That's a normal human thing, though. We want a narrative, not just one thing happening after another for no good reason. But actually, real life is like opera; try to enjoy the songs and costumes, 'cause the plot doesn't amount to much. Also, if you should happen to doze off because the room is warm and your seat is comfy, don't worry. You're not missing a thing.