Monday, January 26, 2009

They still suck, though.

I heard from a guy who knows a woman who makes her living traveling around the world with the Eagles taking care of the bass player's hair that the band members travel in separate Learjets because they can't stand the sight of each other. Their crew and entourage include about 60 people. Meanwhile, I played with a great guitarist on Saturday night. He was a little tired because he'd played two gigs the night before, then got up early to supervise weekend detention at the school where he teaches. But for all that, are the Eagles actually any happier? Probably.

Monday, January 19, 2009

All this and MLK II.

Finally my years of assiduous calendar study are paying off. Look: Next Monday is Chinese New Year. Doing the math, I have determined that makes today Chinese Christmas. Obviously, this is a more restrained occasion than the traditional December Christmas, without all the Eurocentric baggage we've come to take for granted. There's less hoopla. I think you should seriously consider celebrating this holiday with your family, instead of ordinary Christmas. Think of the advantages: Wrapping paper and seasonal candy are like 75 percent off at the Big Lots, and Christmas trees are free for the taking, out on the curb.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Here is my handle, here is my spout.

A few months ago (August 11, 2008) I wrote the best paragraph ever written in the English language, all about the giant watering can of Utica, New York. I just re-read it, and it really holds up awfully well. I would rather read that rant over and over again than all the first novels from all the MFA recipients in America. It's that good. But now I'm informed that Staunton, Virginia claims the world's largest watering can. It's three feet taller, they say. My entire literary legacy depends on the primacy of the Utica can, so I'm a little bummed.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Hi Res

A New Year's resolution is a no-win deal. You might fail, which is especially bad if you'd resolved to recapture your lost self respect and so slip into an endless recursive spiral of doubt and loathing. For instance. Or you could succeed, and keep your resolutions, and then you'd have to continue writing a rant every Monday without the consolations of tobacco or alcohol. A very clever younger person pointed out the upside to me, however. She noted that January first is the best day of the year to visit the park if you like to watch fat people jogging.