roughly equivalent

The average service life of an automobile is 16.58 years, while globally the average human life span is 73.1 years. So, unless my math is majorly skew-whiff (my math is not in the least bit skew-whiff),  if you’re driving a 2016 vehicle, your ride is actually about 44 in car years. “Wait,” the attentive reader may be thinking, “Why is he calculating such an absurd and useless number and also using a wince-inducing Britishism like ‘skew-whiff?’ Can he be so desperate to reach 100 words or is there some obscure, hidden, and perhaps fascinating reason,” to which I reply

Taste the JOY of FLAVOR

The bag of Lays potato chips has an unnecessary (you’ve already bought them) promotional blurb that stumbles its way to this final boldface tagline: Taste the JOY of FLAVOR. “Taste the JOY of FLAVOR” is not the work of a lone brain-damaged imbecile drooling over a keyboard but of multiple corporate committees and professional marketing teams debating every syllable. They were so pleased with their work that the phrase “Taste the JOY of FLAVOR” is trademarked to protect it from unauthorized use. This sort of thing makes me want to travel back 14 billion years and prevent the Big Bang.

Kohlrabi is my spirit vegetable

You’re reading this, so I’ll assume you’re up for a pointless waste of time. So. I was just browsing through a list of 102 Spirit Animals beginning with Ant (diligence, unity, patience, self-control, sacrifice, loyalty, honesty) then Bee (communication, love, success, wisdom, wealth, hard work, protection, chastity) Ants are honest, bees are chaste. Jellyfish attributes include transparency, which you can’t argue with that. The list does not end with Zebra; it’s not an A-to-Z thing. Anyway no matter what the list says I believe the Eagle is my spirit animal because of how mom used to puke down my throat.

I've said it a thousand times

I have hard drive filled with these little essays. Most of them I have already posted here, but some are awaiting a morning when I have nothing to say and so I grab something from the slush pile and bingo I have this week’s rant. But here’s the thing: What if I’ve already posted this and failed to move the file to the appropriate folder? I hope someone would post about it in the comments, because I am certainly not going to go back and check. Folks, I have to read these as I write them, and once is enough.

If I've said it once

I have hard drive filled with these little essays. Most of them I have already posted here, but some are awaiting a morning when I have nothing to say and so I grab something from the slush pile and bingo I have this week’s rant. But here’s the thing: What if I’ve already posted this and failed to move the file to the appropriate folder? I hope someone would post about it in the comments, because I am certainly not going to go back and check. Folks, I have to read these as I write them, and once is enough.

Bully pulpit

Put aside for the moment (if you can [though probably you can’t]) that when Pete Hegseth opens his mouth it is to unapologetically boast about what are by any reasonable measure crimes against humanity and given his tendency toward equivocation crimes against reality as well, and he’s still hard to look at because you are seeing a human in torment. Just look at him grinding his teeth while white-knuckling it through the sequelae of rounds of conversion therapy and AA meetings. One hair out of place and his head would explode. That tight suit is all that’s holding him together.

Here’s shampoo to our real friends.

“Jeep Ducking” is a thing where Jeep owners leave rubber ducks on strangers’ Jeeps in parking lots as a Random Act of Kindness, an exuberantly silly gesture that forces me to reassess my opinion of people who drive Jeeps, and the recipient displays all their ducks on the dashboard. What’s frowned upon is buying ducks for your own dashboard which is like signing your own cast or wearing your own band’s t-shirt in the band photo. Simply. Not. Done. Anyway, if you drive a crappy car, how’s about leaving rubber novelty poop on other people’s autos of a certain vintage?