Monday, March 28, 2022

Some grosser than others

Probably as you begin a new week there’s a bunch of stuff you want to get done, like transcending your gross physical form and becoming a spotless being of pure light and energy. It’s a tall order, but here’s a great way to start! Invite some Black Angus cattle into your home; treat them like family. Encourage them to share your simple vegan diet and to participate in ongoing discussions around how best to create a humane, ethical, sustainable future for the planet we all share. Then, when you have bored them to death, chop them up and eat them.

Monday, March 21, 2022

Like Clockwork

Did you know that when they first instituted time zones (so trains could keep schedules as they crossed longitudes) some people objected because as far as they were concerned their actual local solar noon defined “God’s time?” But to no avail; where I live, it won’t actually be noon today until about 13:08. And they’re seriously talking about making daylight saving time a year-round thing and my question is why not leave it alone and just start work and school earlier? Because at my age, springing forward is unappealing. I may not have an hour and eight minutes to spare.

Monday, March 14, 2022

I'm Gonna Be Strong

Call me squeamish, but simply hearing certain words spoken aloud can make me queasy. Oddly enough, among those words are “squeamish” and “queasy.” Nearly as bad: Gene Pitney’s voice, mayonnaise on corned beef, and the taste of strawberry Quik. Also among the things that make me squirm, that I find embarrassing and cringe-inducing, is when people say “out of” when they mean “from.” Unless you’re William S. Burroughs or a character in Guys and Dolls, it’s dumb. “They’re a small marketing consultancy out of Des Moines,” just sounds silly –unless by “small marketing consultancy” you mean “murder for hire operation.”

Monday, March 7, 2022

The Old Reliables

When I write this stuff, I try to avoid being too topical in my choice of subject matter because I want to leave a deathless legacy of universal human truths. I want the readers of the fall-flung future, resplendent in their gossamer tunics, to remark to one another (whether in Esperanto or through telepathy) that this particular long-dead scribe (me) had an astonishing grasp of the human condition and it just goes to show that the more things change the more they stay the same. That’s why my rants emphasize misery, cruelty, greed, and stupidity. They’ll never let you down.