Monday, August 27, 2007

Some Words of Comfort

Ever feel like there's something vaguely wrong most all the time? Love, work, or new shoes don't really help? I'll tell you why. It is in the nature of the universe to express everywhere its underlying symmetry. So for every birth, there is a death. Balance. If you should find you have been born but have not yet died, you are in a temporary state of imbalance. This awkward stage can go on for some decades, during which it is natural to feel a certain sense of unease, a constant gnawing anxiety. This is transitory and of no lasting consequence.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Wasting away again

A lot of folks are resentful of rich people, but I like 'em. Or at least I appreciate them for what they are - an important source of money. No poor guy has ever tossed a hundred in the tip jar to hear a rendition of “Margaritaville” consisting of the first line chanted tunelessly over the chords to “Song For My Father.” They're pretty dull, though. Bespoke suits and trophy wives are such conventional ways to spend money. Me, I'd put in a Men's Room. Nothing tells the world you've arrived like ice in the urinals and a novelty condom dispenser.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Millennial Thinking

I needed a stopwatch yesterday so I dug through one of the many corrugated cartons of obsolete technology (CCOT) that dot the landscape around here to find an antique cell phone that included that function. Remember those long ago days of 2000? Folks were so proud of their new phones they hung them from their belts like scalps. It made a guy feel like Batman: “Hold on, I must speak into this communications device dangling from my futility belt.” Yet in that same moment of bright promise, everything turned to crap. Dubya was elected and the Monkey Wards closed down.

Monday, August 6, 2007

Down and out

Over the weekend, tiny Russian submarines dove to the bottom of the Arctic ocean. They planted a flag in the seabed at the North Pole, claiming sovereignty over the entire polar region. The United States immediately objected, claiming that a single flag is insufficient to establish ownership. To make it official, you need to drop off some smallpox-infested blankets. Meanwhile, it turns out Mars is in opposition and its elliptical orbit has brought it closer to Earth than at any time since September 12, 57,617 BC. Has it really been 59,000 years? My goodness, where does the time go?