Monday, January 30, 2023


It’s been a weird three years. I’ll bet I’m not the only one who kind of let themself go. It doesn’t take long to get used to interfacing with the outside world through electronic devices, lounging around in baggy sweats, grazing on comforting snacks. There are consequences. Looking down over my torso, I see that I’m sort of bulging over my belt around my entire circumference. It’s time for some self-discipline.  “Buddy,” I sez to myself, “turn off the screen, get up out of that chair, and get your butt down to the Salvation Army to buy some larger pants.”

Monday, January 23, 2023

If I was a bicycle

If I was a bicycle, I think I would be happiest when somebody’s butt was on my saddle, when I could feel their hands on my grips, when my pedals were being firmly pushed as I flew weightless over smooth pavement. Also, even though it might be a bit uncomfortable, I believe I could learn to enjoy having my tires pumped up and thumbed; less pleasant would be having my bearings packed. I would want to be rolling always for the sense of stability and balance rolling engenders. That’s how I think I would feel if I was a bicycle.

Monday, January 16, 2023

On the other hand

Art directors and designers sometimes flop an image to make a more pleasing layout. Most times, if it’s a landscape or still-life, there’s no problem. Sometimes, like if there’s distant signage that looks all Cyrillic or some guy in a stock photo has his pocket square on the wrong side, it’s slightly jarring. But what do I care. But look here – you can’t do that to musicians if the instrument is in the picture. It’s just wrong. Unless you’re designing materials for a Jimi Hendrix tribute where you might be specifically asked to do so. Then it would be okay.

Monday, January 9, 2023


on the topic of H. G. Wells-style time machines probably the real flaw in imagining them is that they’re based on a Newtonian concept of the nature of time and space which don’t get me wrong works just fine for our normal quotidian needs but while describing pretty comprehensively our shared perceived reality does not do diddly when it comes to the occult which is not to say supernatural truths beyond our human ken. Look here. Newborn babies are visitors from the future who have forgotten everything. That’s why they stare at you curiously for a moment before recognizing you.

Monday, January 2, 2023

vast cool and unsympathetic

The Invisible Man and The Time Machine are cool stories but they don’t hold up to serious scrutiny. Like, if you were truly invisible your retinas would be transparent so you’d be blind, anyway blind people would find you easily because to them everybody’s invisible. I’ve already shot down the whole idea of time machines by pointing out that if we were ever going to have them we’d have always had them. Still, it would be cool to buy up a bunch of fidget spinners at yard sales and go back to 2017 to sell them for a tidy profit.