Monday, December 28, 2009

I've been through heck, I tell you. Absolute heck.

When we study the lives of the great, we learn how their destinies were shaped by painful, calamitous events that threatened their very existence, brought tremendous hardship, and sculpted from the shapeless clay of consciousness a fundamentally new perception of reality. I've just been through something like this myself. While I don't want to compare my severe headcold with the experiences of men like Nelson Mandela or Elie Wiesel, I need you to understand that I have been very, very congested. And I have concluded that Jerry Bartz of Gems TV is the finest broadcast talent working in America today.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Thanks, David

It was my own fault. The only reason Titanic is the worst movie I've ever seen is because I watched it. James Cameron, a technical whiz, has the soul of an anteater. I wasn't at all shocked when four intelligent persons of my acquaintance called up to say they thought Avatar was just a steaming pile of crap. I was, however, pleasantly surprised when my son-in-law unintentionally wrote my rant for me by saying, “Imagine if the writers from the He-Man cartoons wrote a remake of Dances with Wolves but instead of Indians it had Smurfs in space.”

Monday, December 14, 2009

I normally put a headline here.

I persist in writing this weekly rant for three compelling reasons: I'm not required to do it. I don't get paid to do it. Nobody cares if I do it. So I do it. But I know I want to stop someday before I turn into Andy Rooney. The Irascible Geezer with a Twinkle in his Eye. “You kids got it easy. When I was your age, we had to rewind movies after we watched them.” And it becomes cute when you snap at someone, 'cause you don't have any teeth. Christ. Just put me out on the ice flow.

Monday, December 7, 2009

"Take, eat; this is my body."

Recently publicized finance records have revealed that last summer, the Archdiocese of New Orleans sent $2.000.00 to Maine to repeal gay marriage. A pittance compared to some dioceses; impoverished and nearly-abandoned Youngstown, Ohio, kicked in ten grand; Philly and Phoenix each anted up fifty large. It wasn't even their money – all their cash comes from collection plates. As I understand it, it's the Church's position that marriage is a sacred bond between a man and a woman, while gay sex is a sacred bond between a priest and an altar boy. The clerical mind is nothing if not orderly.