Monday, July 30, 2007

It seems like only months ago...

This is it. I've hit the big Three Oh – my 30th rant of 2007. A good time, I believe, to reflect on what has gone before. Looking back, how fondly I recall that callow, bright-eyed, eager-to-please fellow who pledged to write a rant every week. So far, so good. But the Grand Canyon still beckons, and if I keep doing yardwork with a machete, the guy I kill may yet turn out to be me. And the bitchin' mustache? It's been and gone. Seriously, I looked like the hideous bastard lovechild of Dennis Franz and James Carville.

Monday, July 23, 2007

Swift Thinking

A pint of Chunky Monkey is pricier than previous, in part because dairy prices are real high. That's in part because feed grain prices are high, which is in part due to the fact that ethanol sales are driving up demand. So our cars are competing with our cows for food. I haven't seen these numbers anywhere, but I'd like to know: How many daily servings of cornbread does it take to fuel an Escalade? I'm sure that creating fuel from the grain is a costly and laborious process. Why not save steps and simply fill our tanks with people?

Monday, July 16, 2007

Jerked out his razor but he wasn't shaving

You know what's a redundant phrase? “Southern Rock.” Because it's all southern rock. For the people who invented it, going to Memphis to make your record meant driving north. Saying your band plays “Southern Rock” is like specifying that you enjoy “Human Food.” That's why it's so dumb to have a Rock and Rock Hall of Fame in Cleveland, Ohio. Plus, Halls of Fame, run by the same people who volunteered to decorate the gym for prom, are inherently un-Rock and Roll. Polka, bowling, plumbing - these should have Halls of Fame. Rock and Roll should have a knife fight.

Monday, July 9, 2007

Dessicated Grape Cadavers

We've been through his before, but apparently we need a refresher: They tell you premium raisin bran is better because it has a higher percentage of raisins. But check it out – raisins are cheaper than branflakes, so it's like paying extra for heavy grape-based gravel in the aggregate and cement premix that is this morning's breakfast. By lunchtime, your foundations are crumbling like a hastily constructed analogy. Or this – I had a bottle of soy based health drink, and the label said the stuff was sweetened with “cane juice powder.” Wait. Isn't that...? Yup. Newspeak for sugar. Orwell Lite.

Monday, July 2, 2007


At first, Durham County DA Mike Nifong looked like a hero, bravely taking on the children of privilege for their brutal excesses. “Duke LaCrosse” even sounds like the really spoiled snotty kid in a Horatio Alger book. Turns out Nifong's a lying slab of steaming self-interest, and the press is a ravening herd of attack sheep. But I'm not worried about them; I'm worried about me. What do you call a guy who jumps at the chance to judge a group of people not on evidence, but on his own presumptions about race and class? Call him a bigot.