Monday, May 27, 2019

Spring Cleaning

I’m clearing all these Post It notes from the edge of the monitor:

The good thing about yellow teeth is they make your shirt look whiter.

For me, every day is Thanksgiving. I'm not a particularly grateful person, I just put cranberry sauce on everything.

While there are notable exceptions, musical works which name their genre in the title are generally bad.

The teacher said, “Give me an example of the subjunctive mood.” I replied, “I wish I could.”

You start talking about terminating pregnancies resulting from incest, a lot of Alabama state legislators are bound to take it personal.

Monday, May 20, 2019

They go to great lengths

Okay, I call bullshit. Casey, Illinois, claims to have the world’s longest yardstick. It’s big alright, 36 feet long. But, to me, by definition, that’s no yardstick. Friends, “yardstick” is not one of those words where you have to look it up and learn its etymology to determine its meaning. In order to make any object qualify as a yardstick, you must first ensure that one of its dimensions is a yard. That’s just obvious. Then you can go ahead and make the world’s thickest yardstick, or the world’s widest yardstick. But there is exactly one possible length for yardsticks.

Monday, May 13, 2019

somebody stop me

They met while looking at places to build a house; it was love at first site. They took a six pack to the park in order to drink in the beauty of nature. They had a very emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers. He suggested they honeymoon on a tricycle, but she was two tired. They lunched on hot dogs. The buns were okay but the franks were the wurst. But she remained totally loyal, saying she would fix her hair, brave an ice storm, or sit through a Longfellow recitation, sticking with him comb, hail, or Hiawatha.

Monday, May 6, 2019

Diplomacy 101

So, it’s like this. It’s like if you got in a fight and the other kid popped you in the mush before you socked him one smack in the labonza and now you have him in a wicked headlock and already you can feel your upper lip getting puffy and you’re going to look like a turtle for a couple days and you’re thinking you’d like to be done fighting right about now but he’s royally pissed and if you let him go he will proceed to pound the living snot out of you. That’s your global politics, right there.