Monday, May 25, 2009
Possibly you live in a place called "city" without living in an actual city. Like maybe Rock City or Johnson City or something like that. Here's how to tell the difference: Your genuine city will have at minimum one daily paper, one weekly alternative tabloid, and one glossy monthly magazine. A weekly shopper does not count as an alt. weekly; a true alternative paper periodically carries an article about quirky hipster girls reviving the art of roller derby. A metropolitan glossy monthly is found only in waiting rooms, and runs cover stories with exciting titles like, "Our 100 Richest Cosmetic Orthodontists."
Monday, May 18, 2009
Dang! This is my latest rant ever. By latest I mean tardiest, not most recent. It is also my most recent, and will remain so until next week, at which time it will be supplanted by a later rant which I promise will not be as tardy. I’m about half done now... Look, as long as I have you here, see what you can do with this: “It was while on holiday in the White Mountains of New Hampshire that I took up my trusty Montblanc to write to a dear friend in Tenerife. The topic? Alban Berg, of course.”
Monday, May 11, 2009
Look at the following: “Acme Boot Wax. No brand of boot wax has been shown to be more effective in the prevention of club foot and hammer toe.” See how that works? There's no actual product claim in there. This is how we sell you toothpaste and baldness cures. Or try this one: Add up the number of years everyone has been working to make it seem like you're a bunch of seasoned veterans. So your organization might claim a century of collective experience – sounds good, but if you employ 100 people it's not really all that impressive.
Monday, May 4, 2009
They keep producing sequels, prequels, and remakes like nobody can make up a new plot. Folks, it's not that hard. These are just off the top of my head: “Abraham Lincoln on Mars.” I can even visualize the poster for this – the lean angular frame of the Great Emancipator with his trademark stovepipe hat in stark silhouette against the ruddy Martian sky. Or “The Ninja and the Nun.” “He's a highly trained killing machine. She's a bride of Jesus. Theirs is a doomed love in a world they never made.” Or get this: “Black Einstein.”