Monday, November 27, 2023

Id's only natural

It’s more than a cute thing to call them; toddlers really are little monsters. Only recently awake to a sense of self and totally incapable of empathy, they may peacefully sit on your lap and offer you bits of saliva-soaked apple but are just as apt to suddenly try to tear the lower lip right off your head. I like them for the same reason people like kittens- because if they weighed as much as a full-grown gorilla, they would cheerfully pull off your arms and legs and then tearfully wonder why you no longer cared to play with them.

Monday, November 20, 2023

Finger on the pulse

I bought a package of something called “15 Bean Soup Mix” because the serving suggestion on the package made it look like it would be delicious. I peeked inside and did a quick check and sure enough, there are many different kinds of beans in there including garbanzos, pintos, kidneys, lentils, black-eyed peas, and I don’t know what all. They say it’s 15 in all but it’s hard to get a precise count the way they’re all mixed up in there. The recipe on the package says that I should rinse and sort the beans, but that can’t be right.

Monday, November 13, 2023

A submarine with screen doors

You know what would be funny? Start an Iron Butterfly tribute band and show up for the gig, play that one song, then pack up and go home. Start a record company just to release a collection of isolated bass tracks from classic bluegrass songs. Invest millions in a historically accurate Bible movie except Pontius Pilate wears a Rolex. Also, if you should ever meet Elvis Costello I think would be really funny to tell him you’re his biggest fan and that “Watch The Moon Come Down” and “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” are your all-time personal favorites.

Monday, November 6, 2023

The path not taken

In an eventuality wherein I was offering guidance to gigantic atomically mutated saurian monsters from the depths of the sea, I would suggest alternate routes inland that did not intersect with quite so many obstacles such as oil refineries and high-tension power lines. While the attendant huge orange fireballs and showers of electrical sparks don’t seem to seriously harm such creatures, they must be at least an annoyance which can’t help but contribute to an overall sense of unease, and this cumulative irritation may lead to the fits of pique which cause them to stomp densely populated cities to rubble.