Monday, June 19, 2023

Big News

Fitzgerald, Georgia, has 9,006 people, 3,346 households, 1,932 families, and one unfinished 62-foot topiary chicken. According to the newspaper, back in 2019 the mayor had a vision for his city’s future that included a big chicken, and at first the people were all excited but then they kind of lost heart, I guess, and then a new mayor said, “This thing just was not being finished, and it just became this albatross,” which no it didn’t, it’s still a chicken. Then he said, “I think we’re done with oversized animals,” which may be the saddest sentence in the English language.

Monday, June 12, 2023

sorry not sorry

I made up a joke. It’s a whole lot of ladder for a pretty short slide, but bear with me. See, breast implants are problematic because putting foreign materials inside your body is a weird thing to do. So scientists have worked out a procedure that takes a tiny sample of your own breast tissue and clones it and grows it into an implant that once installed will settle right in without concerns about the body rejecting it because it’s the actual same stuff. And this requires highly specialized vessels in which to grow the implants: tanks for the mammaries.

Monday, June 5, 2023

a bitter pill to swallow

I had an extremely serious psychosomatic disorder and so was prescribed the most powerful placebo they make. It made me feel like I felt better. The problem was that I developed a psychological dependency on it and when my supply ran out I didn’t want go through what I imagined withdrawal might be like. That’s what led me to shady clandestine transactions with some pretty sketchy people. A guy sold me what he swore was the real stuff, but I think it was stepped on. The question is, with what? I don’t really care; I paid him with Monopoly money.