Monday, March 25, 2019

You will be the next guy’s last guy.

Suppose you live in a really old house and that you are an idiot. But that’s redundant, because what you are trying to do a lot of times is in direct conflict with the laws of thermodynamics. Entropy always increases, which means your house is actually required by law to fall down. And the last guy pretty much buggered up every aspect of repair and maintenance he executed. Here’s a hint: That last guy can be your best excuse. When you perform a particularly egregious kludge, enough thick drippy coats of paint can make your crappy new work look old.

Monday, March 18, 2019

Tracking the arms of Morpheus.

If you ever needed proof that government is the least effective way to govern, consider the gridlock on death row in many states. The roadblock is the authorities can’t get the drugs they need to conduct the executions. Meanwhile, tens of thousands of ordinary citizens are successfully giving themselves lethal injections every year.  Once again, the private sector leads the way. Myself, I oppose capital punishment. My logic is –  and try to follow me here –  we shouldn’t kill people. Except some guys, because every once in a while there’s somebody who ought to be put down like a rabid skunk.

Monday, March 11, 2019

Or Paterson, New Jersey

Okay, I looked it up. Worldwide, about 150,000 people die every day. That’s right around the entire population of Rockford, Illinois. Fortunately it doesn’t happen in a localized way like that, with Rockford suddenly a massive cleanup challenge and no more Cheap Trick concerts ever. That would be creepy but also it would have advantages for everybody else, because if Rockford had already done all the dying we needed for the day you could go ahead with all the potentially fatal activities you’ve been wanting to try. I can’t think of any right now, but you know what I mean.

Monday, March 4, 2019


I like how we just use whatever word works the best even if it’s not originally English. That’s useful since strictly speaking there are no precise words in our actual language for pizza, schmuck, angst, sombrero, ninja, kiosk, brassiere, sauna, kindergarten, shampoo, ukulele, pajamas, ketchup, almanac, slalom, chutzpah, robot, glissando, bamboo, paprika, tungsten, tundra, gumption, armadillo, and yoga. Also, mad props to the Norman invasion because if it wasn’t for French we’d describe hamburgers as being composed of ground cow, which is accurate but unappetizing. And nine out of ten reed players agree, embouchure sounds so much better than enmouthment.