Close enough for govt. work

When asked, I claim to be an unreconstructed anarcho-syndicalist. I can't wholeheartedly support representative government because I think it's like all those other systems that have been tried and shown conclusively not to work. However, even I have to admit that the government has on occasion successfully completed a few of its projects. For instance, I use their money. None of the stores in my neighborhood will take any other brand. We all use the Interstate Highway System. That works. Then there's the Moon landing, Yellowstone National Park... and World War II, with Ford Motors pulling for the other side.

Everything is permitted. Just don't enjoy yourself.

Hitman movies are a whole genre. They are to nerd love stories what cowboy movies once were to screwball comedies. There are subgenres, too. Hitman farce. Hitman romance. I certainly don't want to come across as weak and girlish, but killing people for money is bad, right? Starting a story off with the presupposition that the protagonist is morally compromised beyond all hope of redemption can only be appropriate for an audience that feels itself equally corrupt. Nobody would accept this if the heroes were rapists. The difference? Professionalism. This is America. Anything's okay if you do it for money.

You look like a douche in that hat

Bing Crosby could wear a stingy brim fedora. So could Sam and Dave, Murray the K, Hound Dog Taylor. Later, guys like Paul Simonon and Tom Waits just barely got away with it as an ironic gesture. That was a generation ago. Today, even Britney Spears knows those hats are over. They sell them at K-Mart. So lace up your little Vans. Sip your little Pabst. But lose the hat. Because you could wear an actual red rubber douchebag on your head with a chinstrap and still look like less of a douchebag than you do in that hat.

"Giant bacteria-filled balloon" is actually David Vitter's nickname.

An architect named Magnus Larsson is promoting his plan to stop the spread of the Sahara desert by putting up a 6,000 kilometer long wall stretching from Mauritania to Djibouti. He thinks that this can be done with a “barrage of giant bacteria-filled balloons.” Meanwhile, the President of the United States of America is promoting his plan to bring healthcare in his country up to the standards of the rest of the Western world. He thinks he can do this by getting legislators to act like responsible stewards of their constituents' future. Which of these guys is the more quixotic?

Pro-life's illusions

One big mistake progressives make is letting the voices of reaction define an argument. Anti-abortion groups present their issue as life vs. choice. They are willfully ignoring fully half of the possible opinion spectrum. The opposite of anti-abortion is pro-abortion – the position that all pregnancies should be terminated. A completely rational argument could be made for this as the only sure cure for human misery. In fact, for a moderate salary I'd be willing to lead a grassroots organization. And between the two extremes – abortion being either prohibited or compulsory – individual choice stands as the middle ground.

Ich kann nicht so viel fressen, wie ich kotzen möchte.

I don't even want to write about this. It's not funny. Among the only sane decisions of his sad little freak show life was Michael Jackson's unwavering commitment to keeping his children away from the public eye. Apparently he felt it might not be healthy for kids to grow up under constant media scrutiny. Then the moment the guy's dead, his family – their own family – uncovered their faces and fed them into the machine. The Times-Picayune printed his daughter's image again this morning, over a cutline that ended, “a star is born.” Shame on them. Shame on us.

Let's make monorails the new third rail

This holiday weekend, as America celebrated a tradition of bright shining promise, the future as we remember it took a terrible blow. There was a tragic crash in Orlando, and we lost one of the brave, the few, the monorail pilots. These 'rail jockeys are today's pioneers -- the Lewis and Clark, the Grissom and Glenn, of our generation. And though the fossilized forces of reaction may raise a croaking chorus of fear, we must not allow this singular tragedy to divert us from our course. Let's take steps now to ensure that the monorail always remains the transportation of tomorrow.