Yo. Word.

Octothorpe is the word for a hash or pound sign. Jentacular is the word for of or pertaining to breakfast. Nelipot is the word for a barefoot person. Psithurism is the word for the sound of the wind in the leaves. Somniloquence is the word for sleep talking. Taciturn is the word for being of few words, while pauciloquent is the word for taciturn. Logolepsy is the word for a fixation on words. Logogriph is the word for a word puzzle. Logorrhea is the word for the excessive use of words. And verbatim is the word for word for word.

Oscillating so rapidly from shame to pride that I am a blur.

So dude is terribly constipated. Impacted. (Don’t worry. This is not a poop joke. That’s as graphic as we get, right there. Keep reading.) He figures this is bad enough to require some form of intervention. But a friend recommends trying an herbal cure and she brews him some special tea. (This joke assumes friends routinely discuss the condition of their bowels.) He’s skeptical, but drinks it. And the stuff works. He feels great. “What was that?” he asks. “I made it myself,” she explains, “from this fern right here.” “Wow,” he says, “With fronds like these, who needs enemas?”

Curb your anxiety

Do you suffer from the nagging fear that you will somehow bump into a shiny parked motorcycle and knock it down into an adjacent parked motorcycle thereby initiating a chain reaction that causes a great many shiny expensive motorcycles to fall down like a row of dominoes, leading to your being mercilessly pummeled by a gang of enraged bikers? Relax. This probably won’t happen. Parked motorcycles are actually pretty stable. Even if you managed to knock one over, it probably would just lean on the next one, causing you to be mercilessly pummeled by one, at most two, enraged bikers.

Spring Cleaning

I’m clearing all these Post It notes from the edge of the monitor:

The good thing about yellow teeth is they make your shirt look whiter.

For me, every day is Thanksgiving. I'm not a particularly grateful person, I just put cranberry sauce on everything.

While there are notable exceptions, musical works which name their genre in the title are generally bad.

The teacher said, “Give me an example of the subjunctive mood.” I replied, “I wish I could.”

You start talking about terminating pregnancies resulting from incest, a lot of Alabama state legislators are bound to take it personal.

They go to great lengths

Okay, I call bullshit. Casey, Illinois, claims to have the world’s longest yardstick. It’s big alright, 36 feet long. But, to me, by definition, that’s no yardstick. Friends, “yardstick” is not one of those words where you have to look it up and learn its etymology to determine its meaning. In order to make any object qualify as a yardstick, you must first ensure that one of its dimensions is a yard. That’s just obvious. Then you can go ahead and make the world’s thickest yardstick, or the world’s widest yardstick. But there is exactly one possible length for yardsticks.

somebody stop me

They met while looking at places to build a house; it was love at first site. They took a six pack to the park in order to drink in the beauty of nature. They had a very emotional wedding; even the cake was in tiers. He suggested they honeymoon on a tricycle, but she was two tired. They lunched on hot dogs. The buns were okay but the franks were the wurst. But she remained totally loyal, saying she would fix her hair, brave an ice storm, or sit through a Longfellow recitation, sticking with him comb, hail, or Hiawatha.

Diplomacy 101

So, it’s like this. It’s like if you got in a fight and the other kid popped you in the mush before you socked him one smack in the labonza and now you have him in a wicked headlock and already you can feel your upper lip getting puffy and you’re going to look like a turtle for a couple days and you’re thinking you’d like to be done fighting right about now but he’s royally pissed and if you let him go he will proceed to pound the living snot out of you. That’s your global politics, right there.