Then there's "cousin."

Logically, shouldn’t the word “atlantic” mean warlike? Why is there a soft c in hard cider? Quince is a delicious but very sour fruit that should, all things being equal, be called “fifteen” in Spanish. While we’re on the subject of pome fruit, why would you ever buy just a single pear when phonetically speaking you could get a couple of them for the same price? But look, what I really want to point out is that English lacks a genderless term for an aunt or uncle. I’d like to suggest “aunk.” Try it out. You can thank me later.

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Which is worse?

Vampire or werewolf? Mummy or zombie? Taco Bell or Arby’s? Barry Manilow or Olivia Newton-John? Monopoly or Scrabble? Mickey Spillane or Danielle Steel? Edsel or Corvair? Jeff Koons or Thomas Kinkade? Yankees or Dodgers? Weddings or graduations? Hangnail or razor burn? Earthquake or hurricane? Constipation or diarrhea? Kiss or Motley Crue? Pug or Shih-tzu? Flat tire or dead battery? Mice or roaches? Circus Peanuts or Atomic Red Hots? Stalin or Hitler? Insomnia or narcolepsy? Migraine or sciatica? Stroke or coronary? Boredom or panic? Anger or apathy; rage or indifference? Wondering or knowing? Life or… well, actually, we have no alternative.

Cradle to grave

I genuinely believe that consistency is a lazy fallback for when invention fails. Also, I hate to nitpick. And I realize that all my political perceptions tend to be tinted pink in an old-school trade unionist way. But how can anybody oppose choice and support the death penalty with the same brain? Well, it makes sense I guess if you believe that every important decision ought to be government-mediated. So maybe they’re simply offering a moderate and prudent compromise: “Look, just have the kid and if after a couple decades it isn’t working out, then we’ll kill ‘em for you.”

All peanuts are ground peanuts

There are a lot of crows in my neighborhood. Crows are famous for being clever and I thought it would be nice to make friends with them. So I’ve started, when walking the dog, carrying peanuts to give them in hopes they will remember me and become more familiar. My wife had no problem with the “I’m trying to make friends with crows” part. She simply asked if I offered the peanuts shelled or unshelled. Totally reasonable question, but it froze me. I couldn’t answer; I suddenly noticed that either term could signify either state of the peanut in question.

Dream On

Adlai Stevenson was a good example. Maybe also Elizabeth Dole? I just note that, historically, being a reasonable person with rational reasons for the things you do and cogent explanations for the positions you take is not any kind of qualification for winning the highest office in the land. Saying things like “Let’s be realistic,” or “Can we talk this over?” has never gotten anybody elected to the presidency. What seems to work is being able to fill big venues and get the folks out of their seats, all riled up, in a tizzy. Maybe Aerosmith should run for president.

Eventually, we're all fossil fuel.

The odds are, if you’re reading this, climate change will be pretty easy for you. If you’re anything like me, you’re already old and things that happen past the next 30 years or so simply won’t affect you. You’re probably rich, compared to the entire planetary human population, so you’ll be able to afford food and shelter even as they become scarcer. But wait. What about the cost of replacing all those reference books? Atlases, when elevations above sea level need revision. And dictionaries as meanings change. Like, remember when the phrase “a glacial pace” used to mean “very slow?”