The Old Reliables

When I write this stuff, I try to avoid being too topical in my choice of subject matter because I want to leave a deathless legacy of universal human truths. I want the readers of the fall-flung future, resplendent in their gossamer tunics, to remark to one another (whether in Esperanto or through telepathy) that this particular long-dead scribe (me) had an astonishing grasp of the human condition and it just goes to show that the more things change the more they stay the same. That’s why my rants emphasize misery, cruelty, greed, and stupidity. They’ll never let you down.

Stickywilly

My dog picks up a lot of Stickywilly during our perambulations, during the Stickywilly season. This weed is also known as Goosegrass, Cleavers, Clivers, Bedstraw, Barweed, Hedgeheriff, Hayriffe, Eriffe, Grip Grass, Hayruff, Catchweed, Scratweed, Mutton Chops, Robin-run-in-the-Grass, Loveman, Tongue Bleed, Goosebill, and Everlasting Friendship. But me, I like to call it Stickywilly. Reportedly it is edible and after you’ve tried it you should get back to me on that. Not much of a rant today I guess. I’m a little distracted. You know what Vladimir Nabokov said? He said, “Unfortunately, Russians today have completely lost their ability to kill tyrants.”

I suggest a dark gritty reboot

If you think about it, it’s pretty incredible that I’ve been writing and posting these things pretty much weekly since January 2007 without once mentioning Mr. Magoo. Well, dammit, that stops as of right now. Because I just learned that in 1997 there was a quickly forgotten live action Mr. Magoo movie starring Leslie Nielsen. A little follow-up reading reveals that it was an unfunny piece of crap. Of course it was. Leslie Nielsen? What were they thinking? There is only one living actor capable of taking on this iconic role and doing it justice. That man is Malcolm McDowell.

Stuff envelopes at home!

It’s like playing Russian Roulette without spinning the cylinder. Like playing catch with a hand grenade. The way a financial bubble works is that each successive buyer has to be stupider than the one before them. This is why I’m not getting involved in this whole crypto thing. Who could I sell to? The only people I know who are dumber than I am have already bought in. I’m going to put my money into something with a proven track record, like Beanie Babies or chinchillas. Or I’ll just sit tight till that Nigerian prince comes through with my dough.

Cosmo Allegretti was Mister Moose

 

Bet you didn’t know that Hugh “Lumpy” Brannum, who played Mister Green Jeans on Captain Kangaroo, was at one point the bassist for Fred Waring and his Pennsylvanians, and that the Waring Blender was named for that selfsame bandleader. Why do I mention this? Well, I read a witty quote from JBS Haldane (“Would I lay down my life to save my brother? No, but I would to save two brothers or eight cousins.”) and then I googled him and noticed that he looked remarkably like Captain Kangaroo. So, like all great discoveries, there was an element of chance involved.

Science serving humanity

Scientists collaborating at Tufts and Harvard have made an amazing medical advance. I quote: “On adult frogs, which are naturally unable to regenerate limbs, the researchers were able to trigger regrowth of a lost leg using a five-drug cocktail applied in a silicone wearable bioreactor dome that seals in the elixir over the stump for just 24 hours. That brief treatment sets in motion an 18-month period of regrowth that restores a functional leg.” Sure, it’s a limited study, and still in trial stages. But for those of us who enjoy frogs’ legs, this could be very big news indeed.

Spicy Stories

I rang the doorbell, didn’t I? Because he can. I never had five dollars before. I just wanted to tell you your sign fell down. You’re gonna hate Wednesdays. Got singles for a ten? Scream all you want, I’m keeping the umbrella. Paint my house. Go ahead, it’s your cow. Now we’re banned from Ikea. I don’t know, I never looked. Dang, my watch is an hour fast. You don’t come here just for the hunting, do you? Well, son, your mother is spoiled. Twenty dollars, same as in town. It’ll keep the sheet off your legs. I’m telling everybody!