My name is Bill, let’s start a band!

Seeking musicians named William to form a band called the Willams which will play exclusively from the songbooks of Larry Williams, Hank Williams, Andy Williams, Pharrell Williams, Vanessa Williams, Don Williams, Zach Williams, Deniece Williams, as well as that one song from the first Jesus And Mary Chain album. Must have pro equipment, reliable transportation, and a secluded & secure rehearsal space/crash pad where I can stay. I’ll let you know where you can pick me up, as I will need a lift. Also, I don’t eat pork or Brussels Sprouts. (Except Canadian Bacon on Hawaiian Pizza) (LOL) (hint hint)

white and straight and regular

Is it just me or do Steven Tyler and Janet Jackson look more and more alike every year? Well, beauty standards are normative; they’re called “standards.” Nobody goes to a cosmetic surgeon to look more like Abe Vigoda. That’s why people in the pictures have teeth so white and straight and regular that it looks like they’re all sharing the same set of dentures. I have no problem with anybody modifying themselves in any way they choose but you maybe want to rein it in a bit when your statue at Madame Tussaud’s starts looking more realistic than you do.

Regimbartia attenuata

Some weeks I have a hard time finding personally meaningful topics for these tiny essays which although they are short I like to think they are pithy, sort of like the concentrated foods the Mercury astronauts took with them during the earliest days of human space flight. Not today, because I just read about a species of water beetle that when a frog eats it, it simply “traverses the amphibian’s throat, swims through the stomach, slides along the intestines and climbs out the frog’s butt, alive and well.” And that’s pretty much how I feel every day of my life.

A simile is like a metaphor...

Life is kind of like the Asian Super Buffet when you get back to your table and realize that you’ve put more on your plate than you can ever finish. Life is sometimes like calculus where you’re pretty sure you missed an important prerequisite that would have prepared you better for the material being presented. Life can feel sort of like dental surgery where your best course of action is to convince yourself you’re not there. And life can be a lot like miniature golf in that there are always going to be people who insist on taking it seriously.

Big News

Fitzgerald, Georgia, has 9,006 people, 3,346 households, 1,932 families, and one unfinished 62-foot topiary chicken. According to the newspaper, back in 2019 the mayor had a vision for his city’s future that included a big chicken, and at first the people were all excited but then they kind of lost heart, I guess, and then a new mayor said, “This thing just was not being finished, and it just became this albatross,” which no it didn’t, it’s still a chicken. Then he said, “I think we’re done with oversized animals,” which may be the saddest sentence in the English language.

sorry not sorry

I made up a joke. It’s a whole lot of ladder for a pretty short slide, but bear with me. See, breast implants are problematic because putting foreign materials inside your body is a weird thing to do. So scientists have worked out a procedure that takes a tiny sample of your own breast tissue and clones it and grows it into an implant that once installed will settle right in without concerns about the body rejecting it because it’s the actual same stuff. And this requires highly specialized vessels in which to grow the implants: tanks for the mammaries.

a bitter pill to swallow

I had an extremely serious psychosomatic disorder and so was prescribed the most powerful placebo they make. It made me feel like I felt better. The problem was that I developed a psychological dependency on it and when my supply ran out I didn’t want go through what I imagined withdrawal might be like. That’s what led me to shady clandestine transactions with some pretty sketchy people. A guy sold me what he swore was the real stuff, but I think it was stepped on. The question is, with what? I don’t really care; I paid him with Monopoly money.