It looked safe enough from Madison Avenue

Compared to children who live in town, farm kids run about twice the risk of accidental death. That's not my normally perky first sentence. But J.C. Penney just ran a Sunday newspaper insert with a Benetton-bouquet of cute kids perched on a tractor. Wrong message; equipment accidents are the cause of hundreds of child injuries, amputations, and deaths - all part of farm livin'. Yeehaw. Rural health organizations are desperately trying to keep kids away from tractors. Penney's is promoting a clothing collection called American Living. Now doesn't that sound like a corporate commitment to USA-made apparel? It's not.

Heebs and shines, maybe?

Of all the people who misuse words, the ones who piss me off the most are marketeers. Hucksters. Folks in my business. For one thing, they get paid to write stuff, so some level of professional pride should obtain. And there's no underlying depth of feeling to make any errors of usage trivial. This is hackwork pure and simple; at least make it competent. Don't try to sell me a decadent dessert unless you really think I want a chocolate truffle in a state of decay. And I'm not interested in your exclusive resort unless I know who's being excluded.

Bob Edwards smiles and shuts off the alarm

Okay. Let's go over these Grammy results again; anyone who didn't care last night must certainly be consumed with breathless anticipation this morning. Then report on the screenwriters' strike, using a cute pun like, “The Hollywood writers seem to be writing an end to their strike.” And, oh: The President of East Timor was shot in a coup attempt. The United States is bringing the first 9/11-related charges against any Guantanamo detainees. Venezuela may cut off oil to the US. And so, NPR officially joins the list of Things That Used To Be Good But Now They Suck.

Boys and their petty turf battles

After a few weeks of raw weather, we're back to muggy with a chance of afternoon mildew – springtime in New Orleans. Suburban folk around here have a really long growing season for America's number one crop, grass clippings. Lawn care is mindbogglingly wasteful and stupid, but the weekend harvest is pretty funny. That's when untold thousands of adult men ride little clown cars with spinning knives underneath, collecting tiny green shoots to be sealed in plastic sacks and discarded. Future civilizations will probably view this with the same sick fascination we have for Aztec sacrifices or the feasts of Elagabalus.

On being a man of parts

Police in a suburb of Delhi have broken up a kidney racket, where wealthy patients had new organs installed after their removal from poor folks who were paid like 2,500 bucks apiece. It sounds real bad, but hell - a person has two kidneys, and you can get along just fine with one. And while our bodies are made of meat, our lives are made of time. What's more gruesome than selling yourself off an hour, a day, a year at a time for a little help with the rent? Just something to think about as we start another work week.

This time, we'll need low-carb breadlines

A lot of commentators less perceptive and intelligent than I are maintaining a pretty constant flow of thrice-digested excreta concerning the upcoming presidential election, so I'll make this brief. For one thing, anybody who has concerns about Romney because Mormons have such weird beliefs should check the record; Mitt Romney doesn't believe in anything. Two: The fact that someone is anxious, or even willing, to serve as president should be an automatic disqualification for the office. And finally, considering the economy and the employment numbers, maybe we should elect a president whose name sounds good with “ville” after it.

Don't get them started on the box springs

A house around the corner from me has a yard sign that says “War is not the answer.” I keep wanting to knock on the door and ask what the question is, 'cause actually, war might just be exactly the answer. But you know me. I don't want to be a smartass. And people sometimes publish before they've fully thought an issue through. Like in the Sunday paper, a big chain store advertised they were selling flocked top mattresses. Whoa. I mean, they may not be the best mattresses ever, but dissing them in public like that? Totally flocked top.