Love in a canoe.

I'm done with drinking pretty much the way I'm done with high school; I got everything I could out of it and can't imagine ever going back. Yet I couldn't help but notice that Anheuser-Busch has rolled out what they call the world's lightest beer. It's called Bud Select 55 and it has 55 calories per bottle, with 2.4% alcohol. Piffle. Many's the time I've safely driven home with more than that in my bloodstream. I figure the stuff is essentially a 50/50 blend of Budweiser and club soda. Actually, any dilution of Bud's taste is probably a good thing.

Now how much would you pay?

Remember the Pocket Fisherman? It was this little stubby fishing rod and reel to carry with so you could fish anywhere. The same guy brought us the Veg-O-Matic, Mr. Microphone (Hey good lookin', I'll be back to pick you up later!), and a sort of toupee in a spray can that made for the weirdest half hour of television ever. There's not a single real invention in there, but there is an admirable pattern of enthusiastic marketing innovation. So here's where I'm going with this: I believe that Steve Jobs is nothing less than the Ron Popeil of our generation.

Save your fork. There's pie.

An idea called multi-level selection posits that behaviors are as influential as genes in determining the survival of a species. There’s this guy David Sloan Wilson, a major proponent of the theory, who says, “Selfishness beats altruism within groups. Altruistic groups beat selfish groups. Everything else is commentary.” Here’s a pinhead’s view of how that works: if you eat all the food, including what’s on your kids’ plates, you will be fat and happy and live a long life. But your tribe will die out. Whether or not this has already occurred within the human species is an open question.

February 1st is always cut 'n' paste day!

From the frozen North, a request for some creative thinking around Milwaukee's “image marketing and brand identity.” Here are my suggestions:

Top 10 Milwaukee branding statements:

10: Like Minneapolis, with cheese!

9: Milwaukee: did you order this weather?

8: We used to brew beer.

7: Why is this lake named after the wrong state?

6: Small town thrills, big city charm.

5: Up to 15 days of sunshine every year!

4: Hey! Who remembers the Pacer?

3: If Chicago was New York, we'd be Jersey.

2: At least we're not Cleveland.

1: Milwaukee: A great city with a great motto.

Highway to Hell

Let's skip right past the hybrid and electric cars and start believing in magical ones. The only way to make a green automobile is with a coat of paint. See, 50% of our electrical energy comes from coal-fired plants – that means strip mining and mountaintop removal. Calling it clean energy is like pretending store-bought meat is slaughter-free. Plus, getting lithium out of the ground is a dirty process in itself – in some mining regions, the extraction process uses up two-thirds of the drinkable water. And why do electric cars need all that lithium? Simple. Their batteries are bipolar.

The resale value's gonna be nil

Remember that WC Fields movie where he's swerving the getaway car wildly all over the road and the passenger says gimme the wheel and he yanks it off the steering column and hands it over? Government is a lot like that. Some people thought Obama was going to be the messiah and some were afraid he was all four horsemen of the apocalypse. They drew Hitler mustaches on him or compared him to everyone from Lincoln to Wilson. But seriously, here's a smart, pragmatic guy surrounded by party hacks fighting over the helm when the rudder's busted. He's America's Gorbachev.

Fanny pack! Camera! Action!

Here's a great way to have big family fun without spending a lot of cash: be a tourist in your own hometown! When was the last time you rode the elevator to the highest floor of your area's tallest building? Okay, maybe you work there... what's important is that sense of wonder and discovery. Try this: go to Chi Chi's or Olive Garden and pretend you've never heard of any of these exotic foreign dishes before – get your server to explain foods like spaghetti or taco salad. Act all excited and curious. Then when your food comes, ask for chopsticks.