Semantics

The word “believe” can be ambiguous. When I say, “I don't believe in unicorns,” you know what I mean. And it's the not the same meaning as when I say, “I don't believe in dishwashers.” I know there are dishwashers. I just think they're silly and wasteful anywhere but a commercial kitchen, and I refuse to make use of one. Using the word the same way, some people don't believe in fluoridated water, or motorcycle helmets. They know those things exist. I wish I was sure what I meant when I say I don't believe in God.

Newsstand Logic

Possibly you live in a place called "city" without living in an actual city. Like maybe Rock City or Johnson City or something like that. Here's how to tell the difference: Your genuine city will have at minimum one daily paper, one weekly alternative tabloid, and one glossy monthly magazine. A weekly shopper does not count as an alt. weekly; a true alternative paper periodically carries an article about quirky hipster girls reviving the art of roller derby. A metropolitan glossy monthly is found only in waiting rooms, and runs cover stories with exciting titles like, "Our 100 Richest Cosmetic Orthodontists."

Somewhat pale and peaked

Dang! This is my latest rant ever. By latest I mean tardiest, not most recent. It is also my most recent, and will remain so until next week, at which time it will be supplanted by a later rant which I promise will not be as tardy. I’m about half done now... Look, as long as I have you here, see what you can do with this: “It was while on holiday in the White Mountains of New Hampshire that I took up my trusty Montblanc to write to a dear friend in Tenerife. The topic? Alban Berg, of course.”

Tricks of the tirade

Look at the following: “Acme Boot Wax. No brand of boot wax has been shown to be more effective in the prevention of club foot and hammer toe.” See how that works? There's no actual product claim in there. This is how we sell you toothpaste and baldness cures. Or try this one: Add up the number of years everyone has been working to make it seem like you're a bunch of seasoned veterans. So your organization might claim a century of collective experience – sounds good, but if you employ 100 people it's not really all that impressive.

Get in touch with my people.

They keep producing sequels, prequels, and remakes like nobody can make up a new plot. Folks, it's not that hard. These are just off the top of my head: “Abraham Lincoln on Mars.” I can even visualize the poster for this – the lean angular frame of the Great Emancipator with his trademark stovepipe hat in stark silhouette against the ruddy Martian sky. Or “The Ninja and the Nun.” “He's a highly trained killing machine. She's a bride of Jesus. Theirs is a doomed love in a world they never made.” Or get this: “Black Einstein.”

[D] all of the above

I'm delighted to be able to report a growing number of things about which I have no opinion whatsoever. I started small. We were talking about meat, and it occurred to me that while a rare steak can be delicious, I have enjoyed them well-done too. Both equally toothsome. No particular preference there. A room can get awfully cool or pretty dang warm before I have any trouble sleeping in it. I'm OK with it either way. But this soothing state of mind could make creating a weekly rant a bit problematic – I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Mm. Salty.

Here's a sentence that sounds naughty but in fact is not. “With some difficulty, the old gentleman pulled himself erect and carefully mounted the rostrum.” Tee-hee. Rostrum is Latin for the prow of a ship, but refers in this case to a platform for public speaking. Because it's out in front there, see. Rostrum also means “beak.” Some fishes, including the humble anchovy, have something in their snouts called the “rostral organ.” Anchovies are the litmus test of pizza. You may not like them, but you'd never order a pizza from a joint that didn't offer them.