Lives of the Philosophers, Pt. 6

Arthur Schopenhauer is confusing – a racist anti-Semite abolitionist proto-Buddhist, a eugenicist and an animal rights advocate. According to Wikipedia, his ideas had a tremendous influence on folks like Nietzsche, Tolstoy, Wittgenstein, Schrödinger, Mahler, Einstein, Jung, Shaw, Borges and Beckett, which probably goes without saying to anyone who has noted their common rejection of epistemological transcendental idealism. What the article does not mention is Schopenhauer’s brief cameo in a typically witty Ira Gershwin lyric. Also, I recommend finding a picture of him and deciding for yourself if he was responsible for the haircut on that guy from Flock of Seagulls.

ecru au lait

Odd to think that every paint company has at least one person whose job it is to think up new words for beige. Unfair that expensive trousers of the same nominal size are roomier although poor people tend to be fatter. Peculiar when commercial bakeries sell home-made bread, unless maybe they’re sleeping there. Weird to talk about the courage it takes to be a leader without giving any recognition to the cowardice required of followers, and ironic to observe a roomful of folks in neat business casual attire dutifully taking notes as a self-appointed expert conducts Lessons in Effective Leadership.

Nobody's from Venus.

Science fiction was more fun back when the solar system was inhabited by near-human races who epitomized their respective planets. Warlike Martians, jovial Jovians, grumpy Saturnians. Now we know for a fact that even if there’s something approximating life in, say, little moist pockets of Mars, these alien critters are likely to be microscopic, anaerobic, and stubbornly uncommunicative. Worse, since Pluto was demoted, my very excellent mother just says, um… no.  No pies. It’s okay. I have a cool mnemonic for recalling the names of the planets. I just say to myself, “Mercury, Venus, Earth, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, Neptune.”

Matryoshka is full of herself

He walked up to the teller’s window and said I want to check my balance. So she pushed him over. He said, leave me a loan. I’m really an archeologist, she replied. My career is in ruins. Don’t go, he begged. At least stay long enough for a proper goodbye. But she was gone without further adieu. Distraught, he decided to end it all. He went shopping for arsenic, all the while singing I’m Getting Semimetal Over You. He rejected our offer of a free coffin, saying that’s the last thing I need. It was left to us to barium.

Don't get all pithy

What makes most famous quotes memorable is judicious editing. Like when Socrates said, “The unexamined life is not worth living,” what most people don’t know is that Plato piped up right away with, “Dude, you got that half right.” Or when MacArthur left Corregidor what he actually said was, “I shall return… when it’s safe.” Finally, it has often been reported that Charlie Chaplin once said, “All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman, and a pretty girl.” Most sources leave out the next part, where he said, “And a camera. Somebody should bring a camera.”

Mussel up. Clam down.

Life can be worrisome but I hate to think of you sitting there fretting. Try to relax; I’ll talk you down. Here are some things that might or might not happen that would not require you to feel the vaguest inkling of concern or even interest:  To reinvigorate the downtown business district, they could hold a bus-stop sign redesign competition. IHOP could introduce a new syrup. Lapels could get wide again. They might have a library fine amnesty. Or that one guitar player from Rush might announce that he’s starting a new band with those three other guys from Aerosmith.

Hereby resolved

I’m thinking of words that lack opposites. Like reckless, for example. Turns out the word reck comes from the same root as reckon, so reckless means without consideration, without thinking. Feckless? Feck is short for effect, so fecklessness achieves nothing. Feck is also a second word that is spelled and pronounced exactly the same, defeating the whole purpose of language. It’s a minced oath along with dang, heck, shoot, and corksoaker, a bottling worker responsible for the thorough wetting of stoppers. Anyway, this year I intend to be more reckful, feckful, sheveled, and gruntled. And especially gormful. Always extra gormful.