This is all I have to say about that

So far, the 100 word rant has achieved its nearly universal acclaim by avoiding controversy. We don’t take sides. This is not  a political blog. But I want to make something clear. They keep having these debates and as far as I’m concerned they don’t need to. The prospective candidates could instead take turns defecating into a big lawn and leaf bag. Then they could seal up the bag, dress it in a navy blue suit, and stick a flag pin on its lapel. And when November rolled around, I would enthusiastically vote for the actual literal sack of shit.

Don’t order the pesadillas!

Okay, I’ve been learning Spanish (I have one of those internets on my desk) for about an hour a day for several months now, which I think pretty much makes me an expert. Certainly, I’m qualified to give advice about the talking of it. Now, a lot of time in Spanish you can make a plural by adding an s. But not always. Like, even though “tu” means you, you would never ask the names of several people by saying “Como tus llamas?” That would lead them to understand that you wanted to consume their herd of Peruvian pack animals.

Home of the Old Machinery Museum

I presume you are unaware of the existence of Mondovi, Wisconsin, up in Buffalo County. That’s about to change. Because in the year 1879, onetime resident Menzus Raynard Bump (May 28, 1838 – May 6, 1913) was a member of the Wisconsin State Assembly. Menzus R. Bump. He alone makes Mondovi worthy of note. But wait! It gets better. Also in 1879 (while Bump served  as a Representative),  Dutee A. Whelan was born in Mondovi. And Dutee A. Whelan grew up to be… a Wisconsin State Representative. Bump and Whelan. Two names that shall be forever linked in our memories.

Lives of the Philosophers, Pt. 7

Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel was called Wilhelm at home because his father and grandfather were also Georg. This is the only thing about him I’m pretty sure I understand. I’m okay with that, since his work is used to justify so many opposing philosophies (Marxism, fascism, liberalism, conservatism, Lutheranism, idealism, logical positivism) that if any of them is right everybody else has him wrong. Maybe they all do. This is the guy who said “Sein und Nichts sei dasselbe,” which I think means that existence and its absence are the same thing. So, plenty of wiggle room for different interpretations.

Deadly Pencils of Yesteryear

See, you think you’ve totally exhausted a topic and then a new and exciting avenue of inquiry opens up and you’re inundated with a welcome flood of useless knowledge. I was considering how old-timey telegraph guys were always shown licking their pencils and I remembered a thing my dad had called an indelible pencil. I looked that up and what it is is there’s dye mixed into the pencil lead and you can wet it and it soaks into the paper and you can’t erase it. They’re rarely used now for two reasons: We got ballpoints. The dye was poison.

Then there's "cousin."

Logically, shouldn’t the word “atlantic” mean warlike? Why is there a soft c in hard cider? Quince is a delicious but very sour fruit that should, all things being equal, be called “fifteen” in Spanish. While we’re on the subject of pome fruit, why would you ever buy just a single pear when phonetically speaking you could get a couple of them for the same price? But look, what I really want to point out is that English lacks a genderless term for an aunt or uncle. I’d like to suggest “aunk.” Try it out. You can thank me later.

Clickbait!

Lose height without dieting! Six internal organs these celebrities have in common! Bermuda love triangle! Take this quiz to find out your score! Don’t buy walnuts until you read this! Why Hollywood won’t cast Paul Newman anymore! Miracle solvent that cures thirst! Do this and never pay interest again! Foolproof strategies for winning bingo! Hidden Vatican fitness tips! 5 miracle foods for bigger teeth! Sex secrets of Nostradamus! Stop your car when you see this sign! What your thermometer doesn’t tell you! Area 51 Style Guide! Tell us what you prefer to eat and we’ll tell you your favorite foods!