Word to the wise

Come to find out, “palabra” means “word” in Spanish. So I thought, “Ah ha! Bet that’s why they  call a conversation a palaver in old cowboy movies.” But Wikipedia says palaver comes from Portuguese, and is also the name of a place in the Antarctic, Palaver Point. Then Wikipedia goes on to say there’s a food called palaver sauce, which Wikipedia says might be because “… when the stew was first made, with long, ropey greens, people would start quarrels by slapping each other with the greens from their stew.” Then I said to myself, “That’s enough Wikipedia for today.”

False false-flag

If I was running a vast global conspiracy to brutally subjugate the entire human species under the repressive yoke of my iron will (not that I am - just hypothetically) I would make sure to create a fictive theory that contained some crucial elements of my actual plot inextricably embroidered with absurd and obviously untrue details. I would recruit a clueless team of unreliable and unappealing goons to promote these preposterous ideas so that they would be widely derided and thoroughly debunked. Then anyone who attempted to reveal my insidious scheme would be instantly dismissed as just another witless clown.

Yup. I'm a quitter.

I was walking the dogs (walking the dogs is basically all I do anymore) and I saw that one of my neighbors was having some work done and that the contractor had put up some promotional signage. It said, “I’ll never have to clean my gutters again!” And I thought to myself, “That’s what I want on my tombstone.” Because, for me, the cessation of an obligation or irritant is actually life’s greatest pleasure. With a mindset like mine, even a devastating global pandemic has its upside. A guy with a mask on doesn’t need to trim his nose hairs.

A Clarification

This is embarrassing, but let’s set the record straight. I was relating an anecdote and somehow attributed a bon mot to Allen Ludden when of course I meant Bill Cullen. Neither should be confused with Bud Collyer, the radio voice of Superman, nor with Buddy Holly although the latter sported horn-rimmed glasses of the type associated with Ludden (and Cullen as well) when actually it was the onscreen persona of Harold Lloyd that inspired the appearance of Superman’s mild-mannered alter-ego Clark Kent, specifically the spectacles, which, ironically, of the persons mentioned above, only Collyer did not wear a pair of.

Instant Life!

Harold von Braunhut was a New York Jew. He was the person who put those ads for Sea Monkeys in the comic books. (Also X-Ray Specs. Plus, he was a White Supremacist, a Klan supporter, and an Aryan Nations devotee. Really, this guy had it all.) Sea Monkeys are brine shrimp, which hatch from dried-out eggs called cysts. In no way do they resemble monkeys. More like swimming centipedes about the size of a grain of rice. Von Braunhut provided a valuable service to American children who needed, during a time of confidence and plenty, to be deceived and disappointed.

Evil or not, you still need to budget.

So you’re an up-and-coming villain and you’re thinking of putting in one of those rooms where the walls close in and crush your hapless victims. Here’s two things you should seriously consider before making the investment. First, those things never work. Think of all the times you’ve seen them deployed. Now ask yourself, “ Has it ever happened that the smashy smashy room has killed the hero?” The answer is no; there’s always some last-minute glitch. And then, be honest, how often will you actually use it? And don’t say “all the time.” You said that about the hot tub.

a maintenance tip

Today’s savvy motorist knows the dashboard of their typical modern auto can send fairly comprehensive messages about the general health of the vehicle through an internal sensor network that monitors every aspect of their car’s operation, including the diagnostic system itself. So, you may occasionally see an illuminated message advising you to “check check engine light.” “So, what, as a driver,” you may be wondering, “ am I to do when I observe the check check engine light light lit?” The good news is, there’s no need to check the engine itself. Just the check engine light. Get that checked.