Also belts

A lot of young fellows have a problem with their baseball caps and as a result are walking around with the bill pointed backwards so it does not serve its purpose of shading their eyes from the sun. Then some guys you’ll see strolling around with their sweaters draped around their shoulders and the sleeves tied like Carol Channing’s feather boa. Still other dudes can be observed with their shirts worn like a sash around their waists. The purveyors of men’s clothing should be required before making any sale to confirm that the purchaser is qualified to operate the garment.

Aspirin, Cellophane, Hovercraft

You know how “Kleenex” and “Jell-O” and “Q-tip” and “Kool-Aid” are trademarks of specific brands that have come to be used as common terms for their respective product categories? You know how that pisses off the trademark holders – the nameless faceless corporate entities that want more than anything to differentiate their brands from alternatives that are functionally identical and differ only in packaging and advertising budget? Are you interested in tweaking the noses of the privileged in a petty and infantile manner? Sure you are. So let’s start referring to every wristwatch, starting with my $18 Casio, as a Rolex.

Beware of imitations

Rubber dog poop is funny but inherently less funny than real dog poop, because it’s fake and the real thing is always better. Also, you can get real dog poop for free whereas fake poop must be purchased and anyway nowadays I suspect that unscrupulous manufacturers are making their poop from pirated molds of previous iterations so that what the gullible consumer ends up purchasing is actually a replica of fake dog poop although it must be said it’s still funnier than a rubber chicken. There’s nothing funny about a rubber chicken. Nor Bob Hope. Nobody laughs at those things.

Clown Car or Dumpster Fire?

From last Thursday’s Washington Post: “House Speaker Mike Johnson on Wednesday expressed ‘real reservations’ about a motion to expel embattled Rep. George Santos and said that lawmakers would be free to ‘vote their conscience…’” So, okay, two things. For one, I understand his reservations. The slightest suggestion that a representative could get themselves expelled from congress simply for being a comically inept shameless lying cheating thieving sack of shit might well rock the institution to its very foundations. However, secondly, the assertion that lawmakers would be “free to vote their conscience” requires a presupposition I am not prepared to accept.

Id's only natural

It’s more than a cute thing to call them; toddlers really are little monsters. Only recently awake to a sense of self and totally incapable of empathy, they may peacefully sit on your lap and offer you bits of saliva-soaked apple but are just as apt to suddenly try to tear the lower lip right off your head. I like them for the same reason people like kittens- because if they weighed as much as a full-grown gorilla, they would cheerfully pull off your arms and legs and then tearfully wonder why you no longer cared to play with them.

Finger on the pulse

I bought a package of something called “15 Bean Soup Mix” because the serving suggestion on the package made it look like it would be delicious. I peeked inside and did a quick check and sure enough, there are many different kinds of beans in there including garbanzos, pintos, kidneys, lentils, black-eyed peas, and I don’t know what all. They say it’s 15 in all but it’s hard to get a precise count the way they’re all mixed up in there. The recipe on the package says that I should rinse and sort the beans, but that can’t be right.

A submarine with screen doors

You know what would be funny? Start an Iron Butterfly tribute band and show up for the gig, play that one song, then pack up and go home. Start a record company just to release a collection of isolated bass tracks from classic bluegrass songs. Invest millions in a historically accurate Bible movie except Pontius Pilate wears a Rolex. Also, if you should ever meet Elvis Costello I think would be really funny to tell him you’re his biggest fan and that “Watch The Moon Come Down” and “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” are your all-time personal favorites.